I took a video of my shoe yesterday.
It was some pretty good footage
An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks the clerk: Time traveler: Do you have XL togas? Clerk: Well, yes. But why do you need so many?
They just seem so pointless to me.
One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.
Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.
A buck an ear.
He gets hammered.
I tell them it doesn't really matter.
The bartender says we don't serve your kind here, The mushroom says, why not? I'm a "fungi"!?
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her" The man said, "You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife. The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes," I tried, but I cant kill my wife." The agent said, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife home. Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks he said. I had to strangle that bitch to death."
i'd have to change my name
"No, he doesn't like to be disturbed at work".
He said "suit yourself."
It was a bassless accusation.
Either you have twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother"
So I told him, “C4 yourself”
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You could say they are charging a Pee-mium.
They heard it was a mail dominated industry.. ( Possibility OC?)
They can't shake it so they need to blow dry.
My Ma: I'm not buying you a car.
Because they’re a pane to replace.
Like Hello? We had the king of pop himself micheal Jackson.
It was a nice jester.
Because that's when you fast.
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door. That way we won’t get paint on our clothes and can move more freely to get the job done faster. So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
Guess I'll have to start from scratch.