I took my new gun to the range to try it out, but somehow it won’t work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the steakhouse market?
It was a big McSteak.
A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.
Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?” The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows on too high.
She looked surprised.
I was so thankful to come across a man selling his junk in the middle of the desert.
But it turned out to be a mirage sale.
I bought a theremin
But I haven’t touched it in years. I’m sorry to anyone who gets it.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him “The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren’t working”.
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
This was shared on Facebook in an album of different boomer cartoons depicting “phone bad”
https://ift.tt/2QRqBjn
Ok – I finally understand my life.
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed…… On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed…… On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again…… On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.
Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.
They both have a good time.
I like the guy who wrote “What Is Love”
He really Haddaway with words.
My wife just left me because I’m too insecure…
Never mind. She just came back. She went to get a cup of coffee.
A new business is opening and one of the owner’s friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrive at the new business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in Peace.” Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain. After he tells the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.’”
Two fish sitting in a tank
One of them turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?"
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
Why did Buddha start pulling coins out of his butt?
Because change comes from within.
My therapist says I’m obsessed with vengeance
I’ll show him!
Text exchange with my 70-yo father. He’s still got it.
Me: Heads up, you have a package arriving today with your name on it. You have permission to open it today 😉🎄 Him: Ok. Is the tree a hint or just a christmassy thing? I don’t need a tree🌲 Me: Just a christmassy thing. We didn’t send you a tree. Him: Great. I wouldn’t want to accuse you of tree, son 🤓 Me: Oooof Him: I was trying to branch out into political humor but it didn’t take root so I guess I’ll leaf it there Me: You don’t know when to quit, do you? Him: I wooden know about that
If I had a nickel every time I was confused
I’d be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from?
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
Only a fraction of you will understand that
I took the damaged remains of my luggage to a lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline!”
The lawyer said, “You don’t seem to have too much of a case.”
what the difference between a snowman and a snowoman?
the snow balls
Last night at dinner I thought I saw my father starting to gag.
Turns out it was just another dad choke.
A horny lion and a horny mouse
agree to fuck each other. The lion informs the mouse "I'm the king of the jungle with a reputation to uphold, therefore must do this in hiding and I must go first. " The mouse replies "You're so large, you'll fuck me to death, let me go first then when I'm done you can have your turn". The lion reluctantly agrees. The mouse begins to fuck the lion and right after he busts his nut, he runs away. The lion notices what has happened and begins to chase the mouse. The mouse, hoping to take disguise, finds a seat at a table. He grabs a newspaper and begins to casually read it, hoping the lion passes him by. The lion urgently asks "Have you seen a little mouse run past here!?" The mouse replies "Do you mean the mouse that fucked you in the ass?" Horrified, the lion gasps: "Its in the newspaper already!?"
The Testicular Cancer Clinic called me to ask whether I got their email. I said no.
They said, “Maybe you should check your junk.”
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it!
My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves…
Looks like the boa cons tricked her…
An English woman, a French woman and a Russian Woman are talking about sex
English Woman: I just found a way to have fantastic sex with my husband: after he comes back home and takes a shower, i throw away his towel, grab his balls by my hand and i tell him "Harry, your balls are so hot!" French Woman: And so what? Does it work? English Woman: If it works? My husband gets so horny and excited when i tell him that, he fucks me so hard and so good for like ten times in a row! I'm just so happy! The French woman seems very interested in it, and says she'll do that. The next day the three women meet again. French Woman: You won't believe it but your method actually worked wonders! My husband came back home from work and got a shower. Then i grabbed his balls by my hands and told him " Antoine, you balls are so hot!". He went totally mad and banged me ten times in a row! At this point the Russian woman is convinced and decides to try that herself. The next day the three women meet again. They find the Russian woman in a terrible state. She has two missing teeth, a broken arm, she was just all bruised and battered. Her two friends asked her what happened. Russian Woman: I did just what you said. My husband came back home from work, he grabbed his beer and took a shower. Then i grabbed his balls by my hand, but them were cold. So i told him: "Vladimir, why your balls are not as hot as Harry's and Antoine's?"
“Hey dad. Have you seen my sunglasses?”
“I don’t know. Have you seen my dad glasses?”
I showed my lawyer the damaged remains of my bag and asked him whether I can sue the airline.
He said, “You don’t seem to have much of a case.”