I totally would not have got this joke
My cousins are like the letter K.
They are okay by themselves, but get horribly racist when 3 of them get together.
My blind friend made me a nice greeting card in Braille.
It was touching.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had…
Does money even matter?
TIL: Children are born with four kidneys.
When they get older, two of them become adult knees.
I don’t know why I love bad puns so much
It’s just how eye roll
There’s an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ
It's 150 minus the number of rolls of toilet paper you have at home.
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids
I’m a faux pa
If Satan ever loses his hair…
…there will be hell toupee.
What do you call a mummy with a sore throat?
I don’t know. Sir Cough I guess.
What is the happiest number?
4. Euphoria.
Video games don’t have a negative influence on kids.
If Pac-Man had affected us, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.
A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute?
The one whose sack reads "Idaho"
A husband and wife were having dinner…
…at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and asks, "Who the hell was that?" The husband answers "Oh, she's my mistress." The wife angrily says, "Well, that's the last straw, I've had enough, and I want a divorce." He replies, "I can understand that but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Rolls Royce’s and Ferrari's in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm and the wife asks, "Who's that woman with Jim?" The husband tells her, "That's his mistress." The wife says, "Well, ours is prettier."…
I was fired from the calendar factory
How? I took a day off
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight in the nose.
Nobody does that to a girl, not on my watch.
My dad keeps on buying ladders
Just to get high
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo!!!!!!!!!!
My friend asked if I wanted to play Yahtzee.
I said "no dice."
I turned 18 today, and to celebrate I bought a locket and put my own picture in it…
I guess I really am independent!
I think my wife is putting glue on my rifle collection.
She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
Made brownies….
https://i.imgur.com/4NBo8Yg.jpg
Two communists are sitting on a porch in a nudist colony. One says “Have you read Marx”?
The other says “Yes, i think it’s these wicker chairs”.
I had $1,000 extra in my pay last month, this month I was $1,000 short. When I reported it to payroll they asked me why I didn’t say anything when I got paid too much.
I told them, I'll tolerate one mistake but not two.
What do cars and Scientology have in common?
Cruise control
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
A man gets shipwrecked on a small island.
After a few days wandering, he comes across a tribe of natives who have just lost their chieftain. The tribe's high priest tells the man that as he is the first outsider they have seen in twenty years, he must take three tests. If he passes all three tests, the tribe will accept him as their new chief. "Fair enough," says the man. "Just let me know what the tests are and I'll get right on them." The priest takes him to a clearing with three straw huts in it, turns to the man and explains the tests. "In the first hut, you'll find 20 gallons of our native beer. You must drink all of this to complete this test. In the second hut is a gorilla with a sore tooth. You must pull his tooth and survive to pass this test. In the third hut is the ex-chieftain's daughter. You must make love to her until she can take no more." The man agrees to the tests and begins the first test. Three hours later, he walks out of the hut and goes toward the second hut. The priest asks if he would like to have a rest, but the man says he wants to get all the tests done before he sleeps. He goes into the second hut. After two hours he comes out covered from head to toe in blood and scratches. He turns to the priest and says "Now lead me to the girl with the sore tooth."
Some may find it funny, some may find it sad. I make all of these out of dead rats!
https://ift.tt/2W2uLri
My wife locked me outside the house because she got sick of my terrible wordplay jokes.
I texted her "Oh pun the door!"
My pet spider died so I went to the pet shop for a new one. They were so expensive.
Fortunately, I got one free off the web.