I tried looking up synonyms of confusion.
But I came away with uncertainty and disorientation.
I hate Russian dolls,
they're so full of themselves.
Scientists have discovered that diarrhea is hereditary.
It runs in your jeans.
The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history
Edit: Holy shit this blew up
I tried to come up with a good acid pun
But they're all too basic 🙁
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray." "Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we're one short."
Whats the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?
An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" A professional thief says, "Sign here please."
Where do lizards go to fix their fallen tails?
The retail shop
Why do graveyards have fences?
Cause people are dying to get in.
Forget everything you learned in college…
You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn’t stop until 3:01AM.
Thanks daylight savings!
Nine months isn’t really that long…
It only feels like a maternity!
Do you want to know why I love this floor?
It's always been so supportive.
“Hey Watson, is that mud on our boots?”
“No, shit, Sherlock.”
A horse walks into a bar. The shocked bartender points a finger at him alarmingly and yells “HEY!”
The horse replies "You read my mind buddy!"
When is a car not a car?
When it turns in-to a driveway
What do you call the Italian hood?
The Spaghetto.
Why couldn’t the banana yell high?
It could only yellow.
Did you know that I was once addicted to the Hokey Pokey?
But I turned myself around.
A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and respect.
A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la.
I combined laxatives and alphabet soup.
I call it "Letter Rip."
If I had to get rid of one part of my body, I’d get rid of my spine.
Sometimes I feel like it's holding me back.
why was the clock afraid it would get sick?
because its hands were constantly touching its face
I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”
Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus 🙁
*Hits Blunt*
Blunt: Hey what the fuck man
Hey, Flatearther, wanna play basketball?
tosses him a frisbee
What do you call a kinky dinosaur?
A Doyouhaveasoreass
Yo momma’s so lonely
she kept you
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant.
MRW my friend asks what happens to atoms under heat (X-post from /r/shittyreactiongifs)
https://ift.tt/3c5GHPr
I bought my daughter a locket and put her picture in it.
Now she is independent.
I was going to post a time travel joke but…..
Nobody thought it was funny.
All countries will get the corona virus eventually…
China just got it right off the bat…