I tried to buy tornado insurance for my camp site, but the company refused.
They said, “If your tents get blown over, you won’t be covered.”
Police have arrested the world tongue twister champion…
…they say he will be given a tough sentence
John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend. He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Keith. "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?" Keith's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "Well, she just died and left me everything."
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
One cosy Friday evening, my girlfriend said she wanted to watch Grease.
So I made her stand in front of a deep fat fryer.
I recently found out the medical name for Viagra
Mycoxaflopin
Where do horses go when they get sick?
To the horspital! Just kidding, they get shot.
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN
they become VERY ANGRY
I got my friend a cake in the shape of Pac Man
At least that's what I told him when he saw it.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's okay, the teacher woke him up!
Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,
and name it ElonGates.
Where do Muslim llamas come from?
Alpacastan! …I'm not sorry.
Wait if the sex of a baby is determined by the father’s sperm …
…does that make semen gender-fluid?
Why did Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?
Because everything is already 100% recycled.
My friends call me 007 when i play call of duty with them.
0 Kills 0 Assist 7 Deaths
I am giving up drinking for a month
Sorry that came out wrong. I am giving up. Drinking for a month.
My son just threw a milk carton at me
How dairy
I’m still single on Star Wars Day…
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
My girlfriend has started to smoke after sex
So now we use lube
When I am on my death bed surrounded by my friends and family my final words will be
"You guys want to see a dead body?"
What do you call a chicken staring at some lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad
I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
If cows don’t have Internet, how do they order things?
From a cattle log.
My friend David lost his ID.
Now he's just Dav.
A boy is watching TV with his father when a sex scene comes on.
"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."
I cooked my friend a steak, perfect medium rare.
He said, I like it well done. I said thanks.
My doctor advised me to eat cleaner.
So now I shower before every meal.
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
The Soviet army is marching in Finland
They hear a voice from the other side of a hill, "one Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general sends one hundred Soviet soldiers. There is more gunfire and then silence. The voice speaks up again and says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one thousand Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general then sends one thousand Soviet soldiers. There is a lot of gunfire and then silence. After awhile a Soviet soldier crawls over the hill and say to the general, "do not send more troops, it's a trap, there are two Finnish soldiers."
High grades
The son comes to his father: "Dad, I got a 7.5 on my test" "Congratulations son! In which test?" "Breathalyzer. And they kept your car…"
What do you call a group of Nazi birds?
The Goose-Tapo
Why is “yacht” spelled that way instead of like “yot?”
Because why nacht.
I asked my father if he could leave his guitar collection to my children when he passes
He said that's music to his heirs
