I tried to catch some fog
I have been taking it for granite all these years.
"He seizures when you're sleeping."
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.
Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler!
But usually most of them have 2
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It’s because they look up to me.
Hot and wet and hot and miserable.
But you know how the saying goes.
Unless you're prepared for the reaper cushions.
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
It's time for me to come clean.
Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge? Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge. Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.
But when I got home, the tables were turned…
My wife said she was leaving me because, “I can’t do anything right when it comes to housework!” Selfish woman!!
It took me hours to mop that carpet!!
Waitress: slaps me right across the face "The men I please are none of your damn business!"
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. “I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?” The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
The boss of a mining company is trying to decide which of his 3 sons to promote so he gives them a test.
He sits them all down and tells them: "There is bound to come a time in this company when you will hit a sudden economic crisis. When these times come you must know how to cut down on expenses and do the best you can with what budget you have." Then he proceeds to give them each 1000 dollars, and tells them that he will come back to the mine in a week, and see which of them have been able to move the most ore with the money they were given. He returns after one week to check up on them, and approaches his oldest son. "How much digging have you been able to do?", he asks. "3 tons of ore, father. I used 300 dollars to buy a broken digger, I then used my business contacts to find a mechanic willing to fix it for just 200 dollars if I gave his 5 kids a job. The youth is so desperate for a job this day, they will do 12 hour shifts even for an internship, and I only had to pay them 100 dollars each for a week of work" The father pats his son proudly on the shoulder before moving on to his middle child, asking him how much mining he had been able to do as well. "10 tons of ore, father. I used 100 dollars to run a local ad in the newspaper asking for workers, then took in 75 undocumented immigrants who all brought their own tools and shovels. They're all so afraid of being taken by immigration that they're willing to work for half minimum wage." The father looks skeptically at his son for a while, but notices the massive piles of ore the workers are carrying out, and gives him a nod before carrying on to his youngest son. "How much mining have you been able to do?", asks the father. "35 tons, dad, but I didn't use any of the budget." The father looks at him in awe, his jaw dropping, "how were you able to move 35 tons of ore for free!?" "I invited a bunch of conspiracy theorists. They just keep digging deeper and deeper thinking they're going to find something, and every time I tell them to take a break they accuse me of trying to withhold the truth from them!"
He died of exposure.
Last week a friend of mine was wearing a condom, when the women’s husband came home and shot him dead
Hold on, it's 900. Edit: No, wait, it's 500.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
It is very refreshing
You’ll get Jurasskiced
Saw the damnedest thing at the airport. A vulture was trying to board the plane with a dead, rotting animal hanging out of its mouth. Gate agent tried to stop him…
…and the vulture said, "I'm clearly permitted one piece of carrion luggage."
My cremation is going to be epic.
I'm a cashew!
I know where to draw the line..
Now I’m sitting on the toilet with a massive vowel movement….
I shouted back, “That’s a weird way to start a conversation!”