I tried to catch some fog
I mist
Why did the medium cross the road?
To speak to the other side!
A woman was angry because…
Her husband was coming home late again, so she leave a note saying “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.” Then she hides underneath the bed so she can watch his reaction. Soon the husband comes home. She hears him in the kitchen before the comes into the bedroom. She sees him walk up to the dress and pick up the note. He stops for a minute. Grabs a pen, writes something down on the note. He picks up the phone and calls someone saying “She’s finally gone. Yeah I know, about bloody time. I’m coming to see you. Put on that sexy French nightie I like. I love you and I cannot wait to see you. We’ll do all the naughty things you like.” He hung up the phone, grabs his keys, and walks out the door. She hears the car drive off as she’s holding back tears and comes out from underneath the bed. She’s seething with rage and grabs the note to see what he wrote: “I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in 5 mins.”
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears.
The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then, one night while watching the News he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 10th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You are not my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans!" "No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The brunette thinks "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert." The blonde thinks "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast." The Frenchman thinks "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake." The Englishman thinks "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."
I pour my root beer into a square cup.
Now it's just beer.
You know why black people love watching sports?
Easy, cause they dominate that shit. It's the same reason white people watch the History Channel.
Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. Wanna know why it crashes?
LEFT WING DESTROYED
What’s the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period?
You get your palm red for free
How many U.S. Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end.
What does a cardiologist like for dinner?
Doesn’t matter, as long as it’s hearty.
What do Game of Thrones and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icey dead people
Australians don’t have sex
They mate
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once…
… I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
Nine Months Later
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything."
I bought a chicken to make sandwiches…
It doesn’t. It poops on my floor.
Cop: I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia!
Me: Wait, I can explain everything!
Therapists only want one thing
and it's fucking discussing.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl urinate?
Because they have been extinct for millions of years.
What is a pirate’s favourite letter?
You may think it's R But his first love be the C
I was wondering why Music was coming from my printer..
Apparently the paper was Jamming.
What does the scrotum of a catholic priest look like?
Stupid question, even a child knows that.
Why can’t you use “Beef stew” as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
My wife was furious at me for kicking ice-cubes all over the kitchen…
But now it’s just water under the fridge…
What’s the difference between choking fetish and necrophilia?
About 15 seconds
I entered a blindfolded masturbation competition
I don't know where I came
How many syllables does the word gloria have?
Christians: 18
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.