I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing
this is as close as I could get.
I have sex with my wife almost everyday!
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
A Chinese man decided to retire and move to America after years of living in Shanghai.
A few days after moving in, the friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day. The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, and then put his left ear next to the bull’s butt. The American can’t handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, “dude, what the hell is it with you? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull’s butt, it could just about shit on you.” The Chinese man is very taken back and says, “Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these American customs.” “What do you mean? Those aren’t American customs.” “Yes they are,” Chinese replied. “Man at travel agent tell me to become true American, I must learn to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bullshit.”
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles…. I’m not sorry.
why don’t we ever see elephants hiding in trees?
because they're hiding.
My Girlfriend has been repeatedly asking me “Are you a character from Alice in Wonderland?” and it’s getting really annoying
My Friend asked me “Are you mad at her?” I replied “Don’t you start too”
What does Pac-Man eat with his chips?
Guacawakamole.
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https://ift.tt/2CdxXGY
People always say the show Lost had such a great pilot
Then why did the plane crash?
I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just have beer.
I hate when Mommy and Daddy get drunk and start fights.
They are both way bigger than me and there are two of them. It's not fair.
My ex just donated her eggs and got $3,000! WTF?
I donated sperm and all I got was a weird look from the Salvation Army Santa.
What did Kim Jong Un say on his death bed?
My Korea is over
I was sacked from the ice cream factory today
Just because I refused to work on a Sundae!
4 college guys go on a weekend road trip.
They are having such a good time that they decide to play hooky and skip out on their Monday exam in psychology. They all send their professor an email saying they had a flat tire while out of town and the professor said no problem, unexpected things happen. They could take it on Tuesday. Celebrating their white lie they had another big night out and headed back on Monday. When they got back on campus Tuesday they went and saw their professor and she asked if they were all right, thanked them for letting her know ahead of time, and told them to get ready for the test. Inwardly laughing they were separated into four separate rooms so as not to cheat. All four flipped over the sheet and saw only two questions: For 5% credit, what does DSM stand for in the DSM-5? For 95% credit, which tire went flat?
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
To the jerk who stole my anti-depressants today.
I hope you're happy.
I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ means
Nobody gave me a straight answer
Sheepdog: Yep, that’s 40 sheep there. Farmer: What, there should be only 37?
Sheepdog: Hey, I rounded them up!
Why do native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He looked surprised and said, "Nein, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
Damn girl, are you a piñata?
Cause imma need a blindfold to hit that.
Who’s bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s baby?
Mr. Bigger's baby because he's a little bigger.
Why did the butcher quit his job and become a cattle rancher?
He wanted to raise the steaks.
I don’t always tell Dad jokes, but when I do he laughs.
No text found
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick
Seriously, how low can you go?
I was getting a prostate exam and it hurt like hell.
I asked “doc, could you take off your ring?” He said “that’s not my ring, that’s my watch.”
So I lost my job at the bank on my very first day…
An old woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
What do you call a ghost’s boobs?
Paranormal entitties.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
“You the bomb.” “No, you the bomb.”
A compliment in America. An argument in the Middle East.
My doctor told me I had Type-A blood…
sadly it was a Type-O
Why do teenage girls only hang around in groups of odd numbers?
Because OMG they can’t even.
I burned 2,000 calories yesterday…
Left the brownies in the oven for too long
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.
Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. Before you know it, they're getting down to it. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"
My son told me that he’s afraid of the 25th letter of the alphabet
I asked him why but he just kept screaming