I tried to explain my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants,
but he's still making fun of me.
I really need to fix my watch but…
I never have the time
I don’t have a dad body
I have a father figure
The bouncer said to me, “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” I said, “Why?”
They said, “I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline.”
Why did the wizard seductively kiss his girlfriend below the jawline?
He was a neck romancer.
I have the heart of a lion…
And a life time ban from the Central Park Zoo
Dumbest kid in the world…
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
Mystery Ink Reddit Bull, Claims Alaska Girl
Pics are expected to prove supposed underground print version of famed forum made with "disappearing ink" a hoax.
Anyone else?
Anyone else?
My dad’s a geologist, and this is the new hobby I imagine for him with all the shut downs.
https://ift.tt/2UkssPk
Did you hear about the short psychic who escaped prison?
He's a small medium at large
My wife complains I don’t buy her flowers.
In all honesty, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
“Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but…
They’re just waiting their turn.
Where to buy potassium nitrate Canada
Hi, I want to buy potassium nitrate « legal way » in Canada to make homemade rocket, does anyone know where I could buy potassium nitrate ? Thanks
A young boy asks his dad:
"Dad, what is the difference between confident and confidential?" The dad replies: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend next door is also my son, that is confidential."
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.
I had an out of body experience recently.
I was beside myself.
myspacebarhasarestrainingorderagainstme
nowicanonlygotofacebookbar
I like you, in a plutonic way.
"Don't you mean 'platonic'?" No, plutonium, like radioactive exposure, the longer I'm with you the more I feel like dying.
My Uncle Harry died after drinking a bottle of furniture polish
It was a sad end, but a beautiful finish!
Why can’t Superman ever drive to the top level of the parking garage?
Because he always stays in the Lois Lane Kill me pls
Why don’t chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
I gave all of my dead batteries away today,
free of charge.
I was going to post a time travel joke
But you didn't like it.
What do clouds wear under their shorts?
Thunderpants!
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
No text found
Today is my 25 birthday. I’m quarantined but it’s still nice to hang with the boys
https://ift.tt/2ZuP1VJ
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
Whether you acknowledge it or not, it’s still true. Like… creation vs. evolution.
https://ift.tt/3aCVqAn