I tried to join a secret religious society, but the requirements were very strict.
It was called Diffi cult.
How do trees š access internet?
They log in
A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size
A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Iāve tried to use the word āmuchoā when speaking with my Hispanic friends.
It really means a lot to them.
HACKATHON RESULTS & WINNERS!
We’re finally here, a month and a half later than we should have been, ready to give you give you the 2019 Hackathon Results! And our winners a-Hold up a minute, not so fast. We have a few more things to say first, and seriously, what ever happened to suspense? First of all, thanks so much to everyone who entered the event and watched the Twitch streams; with your help this event has been a huge success and we’ve enjoyed running it the whole way through. We received a total of thirty entries, not a number to take lightly for sure. And most importantly, we now know what went right and wrong, and hopefully, this will let us make the next one even better. And of course, a huge thanks to our sponsors, who provided the backbone of this competition:JetBrains, Digital Oceans and Reddit (you’re on it right now).They’ve been especially generous in the rewards they’ve given to us which we’re about to give to you, so let’s get a little internet round of applause for them.Back to the results: judges were required to give entries a 0-5 score for relevance and 0-5 for presentation; both scores were then summed up for the entry’s total score. Explanations for both categories were provided, so please DM me if you’d like to get some feedback on your submission. We then averaged the scores for each entry from every judge, and turned that into a percentage. Unfortunately, we’ve had to disqualify some entries for the following reasons:It could not be run on any of the judges’ computers and the demos were not comprehensive enoughBuild instructions were not providedSource code modification was necessary for the entry to workIf your entries met one of those criteria, please keep that in mind if you enter our next Hackathon (or for that matter, nearly any other programming related competition). Judging is already a significant effort on our part, especially with a theme of this nature, and we don’t have the time to deal with a of these cases. Nevertheless, we still appreciate the effort to make an entry and we look forward to your next submission.All that aside, without further ado, it’s time to announce the winners: drumrolllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll:Ā Findio by csteinmetz1 and seanpmyers (/u/csteinmetz1) with a 95% score. You’ll both be treated to a 1 year JetBrains license for any IDE and $125 in DigitalOceans credits for each.EmojIDE by OnlyTwo_jpg/RubbaBoy (/u/OnlyTwo_jpg) with a 93% score. You’ll be given a JetBrains license and $175 in DO credits.In a deadocked tie, only decided in a last minute vote, What datetime is it right now by Yihwan (/u/yihwan) with a 90% score. You’ll get a JetBrains license and $75 in DO credits.Winners, please contact me, Gator or Steve on the Discord or on Reddit with your emails to claim your prizes.As mentioned above, we had a tie for 3rd place between Datetime, selfCaptcha and Hello World Enterprise Edition – but the race is not over yet. We still want you to decide the People’s Choice winner, which will win some large amount of Reddit coins. Vote here: https://ift.tt/33gpbnr again, thanks so much to all who entered, I think I can speak for everyone on the judging and streaming team that you’ve all given us at least some goods laughs with all your entries. We’ll love to see what y’all come up with next year (we may also possibly have a physical booth for the event, but don’t necessarily count on it). See you soon!As a quick aside, we’ll be opening moderator applications very soon and bringing in some rule changes, so please keep your eyes open for those.
5YO: “Dad, I’m hungry AND DON’T SAY HI HUNGRY I’M DAD”
Me: "wow … that's a very long name, hungryAndDon'tSayHiHungryI'mDad"
I didnāt know why the baseball was getting bigger.
And then it hit me!
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."
$10
So a guy walks into a brothel. He only has $10 in his wallet, but he's truly desperate, so he asks the madam what he can get for it. She says "nothing. Try your luck in the streets or come back with some money." He says "please, I'm so desperate. Isn't there anything you can do for me?" Reluctantly, she says "well, we have a chicken. I suppose for $10 you can do what you can with that." The guy's unsure, but he hands it over and goes for it. Surprisingly, the chicken feels pretty good. He gets off and goes home. Next week, he goes back to the brothel with $10 and says "hey, can I see that chicken again?" The madam says, "I'm sorry, sir, the chicken passed away. But we do have a show tonight. Admission is just ten dollars." He agrees and squeezes into the auditorium. Two beautiful women are licking each other all over. He nudges the guy next to him and says "hey, this is pretty good!" The other guy says "you should have been here last week. They had a guy fucking a chicken!"
“Several years ago, you could smoke in bars”
"Dad, what is a bar?" … "Dad, are you crying?"
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
(Thatās it. Thatās the joke)
My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection.
So i got her some diet pills.
How to nail a job interview
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, āIt's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.ā "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass… āThis is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.ā "Correct." A third glass… "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
I hope someone woke up Green Day
No text found
Women are so materialistic.
I bet they'd all dig me if I lived in a bigger car.
John F Kennedy was just “John Kennedy” From May 29, 1917 To November 21, 1963
They only added the F after he died
A young kid came upto me and said “Can I please have a cigarette?” I was astonished.
Kids these days have such great manners
Five gangsters walk past a local diner
The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!" The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?" "I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow the owner into the diner, and then they enter the kitchen. In the back, a man is furiously scrubbing metal pots and pans so hard that he's damaging them. The owner points at the man and says, "My new dishwasher guy is scrubbing the dishes too hard! He's scratching them up and refusing to stop! At this rate, I'm going to have to replace all my dishes!" One of the gangsters rolls his eyes and says to another gangster, "Yo G, I got this." The gangster taps the dishwasher on the shoulder and says, "Dude, ease up on those dishes." But the man keeps scrubbing. Another one of the gangsters says, "That won't do it, G," and he tries to spin the dishwasher around to face them, but the dishwasher man won't budge. "C'mon idiot, ease up on those dishes!" But the man is still scrubbing. The third and fourth gangsters try shouting in the man's ears, "EASE UP ON THOSE DAMN DISHES!" But the man scrubs away. Finally, the fifth gangster has had enough and start pulling on the dishwasher to get him away from the sink and the dishes. Another G joins in, followed by the rest, pulling as hard as they can. But it's no use, and they all fall to the floor exhausted while the dishwasher keeps scrubbing, no sign of easing up on the poor dishes. The owner is shocked and shakes his head in disbelief, "I can't believe it, I was sure this would work." The fifth gangster looks at him exasperated and says, "Dude, why the hell did you think this would work? What can five gangsters do against a dishwasher who's basically superman?" The owner replies, "I know it sounded crazy and I had no evidence to prove it, but I really thought that 5Gs could cause dish ease."
Irishman got a job at the zoo, first week there, someone asked him “would you fuck the gorilla for Ā£2,000?”
Irishman said "on three conditions, I don't wanna kiss it, I don't want any of my friends or relatives to find out, and give me a couple of months to get the money together".
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: ‘Donāt go in there! Donāt go in the church, you moron!’
She was watching our wedding video again.
These days you can’t even say “blackboard” anymore.
The politically correct term is: "Jamal, get on my ship."
A man dies and goes to hell.
The devil says he must choose a room in hell to spend the rest of eternity in. He walks into the first room and sees a bunch of people doing headstands on a wood floor. He thinks "No way. I can't do that for eternity" He walks into the second room and sees a bunch of people doing headstands on a metal floor. He thinks "I definitely can't do that for eternity" He walks into a third room where theres a bunch of people standing in 4 feet of shit and drinking coffee. He says to himself "…well I guess I could get used to the smell." After 10 minutes in the room, the devil comes in and says "Alright, coffee break's over. Back to headstands."
Thank god Canadaās not the super power
or weād all be sorry
Here is joke about Canada don’t take it seriously
Credits to u/commonschemeforyou God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world" The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"
My Buddhist friend was stopped by a Christian
They asked if she would consider following the word of Jesus Christ. She replied, āno thanks, but maybe next time around.ā
Hereās a magic joke for you: A magician was driving down a street.
Then he turned into a driveway.
I’ve just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden and I’m thinking…
"Who's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"
My favourite sex position is called “WOW”…
… its where i flip your MOM over im sorry
There’s a guy on boat with two cigarettes and nothing else. How does he light one?
He throws a cigarette off the boat and the boat becomes…a cigarette lighter
This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall…
He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?" The bartender replies, "It's a moose." The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"
Jim walked into a bar……
Jim, walked into a Bar and aggressively shouted his order to the bartender āPlease give me a plate of chicken wings and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, cause when I eat, I want everyone to eat!ā The bartender complies to this by giving Jim a plate of chicken wings and everyone else, their meals Just as everybody finishes their food, Jim again yells āGive me a bottle of Champagne and give everybody else a bottle of Johnny Walker Black, cause when I drink, I want everybody to drink! Everyone is elated and cheers for Jim When Jim is done with his drink, he yells, yet again "Bring everybody their bill, because when I pay mine, I want everyone else to pay theirs '
May the 4th be with you for today, but remember….
Tomorrow will be Revenge of the 5th
If you are on a blind date, try using one of the jokes you read on this sub as an icebreaker.
That way, you can make sure theyāre not some weirdo who reads /r/dadjokes.
I want to dedicate this Dad joke to my father, who is a roofer.
So Dad, if you are up there…