I tried to think of a good Star Wars pun
But it just felt Forced.
A young woman was so depressed with her life that she decided to end it by throwing herself into the ocean.
When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "Moreover, I'm lonely too and need someone to love me." The girl understood what he meant. But she nodded yes; after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her food and wine and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's fucking me." The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry."
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
What do you call an Elephant that doesn’t matter?
Irrelephant.
“Doc, I think I have ADHD. I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford.”
Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works. “But I keep losing my Focus!”
A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, “Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I’ve never seen his kind before”. So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic.
As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm… That was some good lion meat!" The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away. Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return. So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened. The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together". So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more. But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
A-merry-ca ‘ristmas, reddit
from all of US!
I always knock on the front door of my fridge …
Just in case there is a salad dressing . This was horrible lol
Bartender asks a man “You ever had ann orange in your beer?”
Man says "Once, in a Blue Moon."
My friends asked me why I’ve mysteriously been hanging grapes outside to dry.
I told them, “I have my raisins.”
I just made a list of my top 10 favourite Dad jokes. The first 9 are great but the last one is an absolute cracker
1) great 2) great 3) great 4) great 5) great 6) great 7) great 8) great 9) great 10) An absolute cracker
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.
“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!” The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments! Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
I was washing my car with my daughter the other day
and she asked “Dad, why don’t you just use a sponge?”
I have a horse named Mayo
Mayo Neighs ..
I’m developing a game which simulates your parents using the internet.
It's called the Elder Scrolls Online.
“Poor old fool.” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
I met this girl at the vegan restaurant who said she knew me.
But I never met herbivore.
Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet?
But most just have 4.
Why do programmers prefer dark mode?
Because bugs are attracted to light
Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands…
No canaries there either.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer?
I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.
Joke my 6 year old son made up.
What is the best type of pan to cook fish in? A CAST iron pan. Get it? Because you have to cast for fish. I thought it was super cute!
I’m selling a TV for $1, but it’s broken and it’s stuck on the highest volume.
That's a deal you can't turn down.
A university student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch
However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said: 'A swan shan't be friends with a pig.' 'Then I shall fly on,' answered the student with a smile. The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student at the exams. At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question: 'You're walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?' 'The gold.' 'Unfortunately, I don't agree. I'd choose cleverness, because that's more important than money.' 'Everyone would choose what they don't have,' says the student. The teacher turns red, and he's so angry he writes "ass" on the student's paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says: 'Excuse me sir, you did sign my paper, but you forgot to give my grade!'
As I sail away from the island of lollipops…
…never to return, tears well in my eyes as I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. "So long, suckers," I whisper through trembling lips.
A man is on a stretcher, being prepped for surgery.
The surgeon walks in, takes a deep breath and says: “Okay, David. This is a simple operation.” The man says: “My name isn’t David.” The surgeon replies: “No, it’s my name.”
Why does it take a pirate so long to learn the alphabet?
Because he spends years at C!
Juan arrives at the Mexico/US border
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on a bicycle. He's got 2 large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on the bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for 3 years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico by coincidence. "Hey buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about and I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I’ve developed a fear of negative numbers.
I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.