I tried to use the army toilets, but one of the officers stopped me and said, “It’ll cost you $10 to go in there.”
He's the loo tenant.
My parents made me go to Stockholm with them on holiday…
… I didn’t like it at first.
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last long for fat people.
Why do ducks make great detectives?
They always quack the case.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
But apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.
A woman gets a call from kidnappers.
"We have your son," said the kidnapper. "I don't have a son," says the woman. "Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crust off his sandwiches?" "Oh, God you have my husband!"
I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor!
A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him. Robin Hood: "HALT!" "I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!" Peasant: "I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see" Robin Hood: "Very well then poor man, take this!" Robin Hood gives the poor man a sack, filled to the brim with gold coins. He then fades away into the forest. The peasant stares in disbelief, exclaiming: "I can't believe it, I'm Rich!" "HALT!"
So Tekashi69 could face life in prison
Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence
So doc, what you are saying is I should touch myself whenever I feel like it?
No, I said you can have a stroke at any time.
A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3.
He says “uno, dos…” poof. He disappeared without a tres.
I was pissed off at my buddy Mark who borrowed my dictionary and refuses to return it.
I said, “Mark, my words!”
Anybody wanna be in a platonic relationship?
I'm asking for a friend.
Genie: “What’s your first wish?”
Steve: "I wish I was rich." Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
You can’t breathe through your nose while smiling.
Of course you can! I just wanted to make you smile.
She texted me: “your adorable” I responded saying “no. YOU’RE adorable”
Now she thinks I like her even though I was just correcting her grammar.
What does “The Sixth Sense” have in common with “Titanic”?
Icy dead people.
A man went to the funeral of his dear friend and asked the wife of the deceased to ask if he could say a word, to which she said: Yes. He said “Plethora”
She said "thank you, that means a lot"
“Jesus loves you” is a great thing to hear in church…
It’s a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
Bows are really good weapons
Their only drawback is the string.
Three men get lost in a forest and kidnapped by a cannibal tribe…
The chief tells them that since they don't seem to mean any harm, they must pass a test and if they do, he'll let them go free, he'll even point them in the direction of civilization. But if they cannot complete the test, they will be killed and served for dinner. First, he sends each of the men in a different direction and tells them to go into the forest, get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit, and bring it back. It can be any kind of fruit as long as they get ten pieces of the same kind. Man A gets back first with ten apples. The chief tells him that while they wait for the other two, he can do the rest of the test. "It's simple," the chief said, "you just have to stick all ten of the apples up your butt without making a sound." Man A gets one apple in with no sound, but he grunts in pain on the second and thus is killed. Man B arrives next with ten small blueberries. He is told the same thing as Man A and begins the challenge. He is on number nine, doing great and making no sound, when he bursts out laughing and is killed. In Heaven, Man A and Man B stand together in line at the Pearly Gates. "You were doing so well!" Man A said. "Why did you laugh?" Man B started laughing again and responded: "I just couldn't help it… I saw Man C coming back with pineapples." Fun fact: This is the first joke I remember ever being told. My cousin told me and his younger siblings it, and we laughed for like an hour.
My wife is really made at the fact that i have no sense of direction.
So i packed up my stuff and right.
When llamas took over the world
the result was alpacalyptic
A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks. “Yep,” the mutt replies. “So, what’s your story?” The mutt looks up and says: “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. “The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.” The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says: “Ten dollars.” The guy says: “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?” The owner replies: “He’s just a big liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”
I told my dad Stan Lee died…
Dad: I don’t know who that is. Me: how do you not know who Stan Lee is? Dad: Because you haven’t told me his last name. Me:….
What are Mexicans built of?
Amigo acids
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant
I’m reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
What is SpongeBob’s least desirable personality trait?
He’s too self absorbed.
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
But they’re having a really hard time putting their case together…