I tripped over my wife’s bra left on the bedroom floor last night…
Damn boobie traps
What’s bigger than a tow truck?
A foot truck!
I tied all my watches to my belt
too bad it was a waist of time.
A husband and his wife were sitting at a table at her 20th high school reunion
She kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink, as he sat alone at a nearby table. The husband asks: “do you know him?” “Yes”, she sighed. “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and i hear he hasn’t been sober since.” “My god!”, says her husband. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop anytime.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
Why is Sunday stronger than Monday?
Because Monday is a weekday…
How are condoms and poop bags alike?
If either one breaks at the wrong time, you could have a little shit on your hands.
Why don’t ants get sick
Because they have little anty bodies
The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history
Edit: Holy shit this blew up
A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.
The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded. The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.” The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.” The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.” The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.” The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?” “Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier. “What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?” “No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli. So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?” “What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Who's the lucky man, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they’re always stuffed.
A cowboy appears before St. Peter.
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you" Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" "Couple of minutes ago."
“What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?”
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time…" A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit…"
Me: Sweet dog you got there
Policeman: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog. Me: Still in training, huh? Policeman: What do you mean? Me: Nevermind
I lost my watch at a party once.
An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.
My friend in Alabama lost his Mom, his Sister, and his Wife in a car accident.
He really loved that woman.
Did you hear about the new movie “Constipation”?
It Hasn’t come out yet. But Critics are saying it’s crap. And there’s a sequel…. “Number 2”
Just invented a thought controlled air-freshener.
It makes scents, if you think about it.
Gordon Ramsey just had his 5th kid..
At least he likes at least one thing raw.
What do you call a polite man who builds bridges?
A civil engineer
My teacher told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.
Trump book
Today I was at the bookstore; as I was wandering around, the clerk stopped me and offered to help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?" The clerk angrily said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!" I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
A man phoned to find out whether he could get insurance if the nearby volcano erupted…
They assured him he would be covered…
I couldn’t decide on how much lettuce to buy, until my wife helped me think it through.
Turns out two heads are better than one.