I used memes to explain nuclear fission at college
puntastic
Doctor : i had to remove your colon. Me why
Two friends are having a chat in a bar.
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten? Kristen: sure. Christen: Thank you. Kris: Anytime.
What do a priest and a silver medalists have in common?
They both came in a little behind
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can't carry it by myself
A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. “Don’t fret!” he said. “Just duet and we’ll live in harmony until the end of time!”
Ten months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor. Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and had a break down when she couldn't find it. Apparently it really struck a chord with daddy banjo because for the first time ever, he took a harsh tone with mama fiddle. He drove her home, lost his tempo, strung her up by the neck and beat her. Domestic violins.
I’m terrified of random letters
me: i'm terrified of random letters therapist: you are? me: [screams] therapist: oh i see me: [screaming intensifies]
The GOP is apparently ok with extremely late term abortions if the stock market is suffering
https://ift.tt/2KdS7EF
What do you call Batman when he skips church?
Christian Bale.
He’s going to want legal immunity in exchange for leaving after he gets beat.
https://ift.tt/34feAtl
Did you know that cucumbers are good for your memory ?
Because I got one stuck in my ass a couple years ago and me, my family and doctor still remember it vividly
I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day
She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10" I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton
Is this sub still active?
https://imgur.com/a/ggw9xpn
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed
How could anyone stoop so low?
Walking to work one day, a woman asked me what was the quickest way to the hospital
So I pushed her under a bus
My wife apologised for the first time today.
She said she was sorry she ever married me.
Once a man decided to worship a Celtic god of good fortune named Sucellus.
(This particular god carries a large hammer) Since nobody has worshipped him for millennia, the God was pleased and decided to appear before the man. God: You mortals have forgotten me for so long. I am very flattered that you thought to worship me. For that I will grant you three wishes. Man: What?! Just three? I want at least 10 wishes. God: Are you mad, mortal? Have you forgotten your place? I am offering you three, take it or leave it. Man: Ok, I'll take three but you have to give me your word. You can't backtrack on any of these. God: Do you doubt my power? I can do anything. Of course I won't backtrack. I give you my word. Man: First wish, I wish that the hammer in your hand would turn into a stick. God: (laughing) You really are insane. All the things in the whole world and you wish for this?? Ok whatever, here you go. Hammer turns into stick. Man: Now I wish that you put that stick up your arse. God: (furiously) What?!! How dare you ask for such a thing. Man:You gave me your word. This is my second wish. You have to do it. God: (hesitantly) Ok fine. Puts the stick up his arse. Man: Now dear Sucellus, are you giving me my ten wishes or you want me to turn that stick back into hammer again.
Spoiler alert:
It makes the trunk of the car look better
Why shouldn’t you tell knock knock jokes to chefs?
They don't have the thyme for that, just cumin.
Dad:”I need to call the doctor today.” Mom:” Which doctor?”
Dad: "No the regular kind."
I was at the grocery store, confused about how much lettuce to buy. So I called my wife for advice.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.
A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him: “Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died” The man looked at Saint Peter and said “Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife was having an affair, so I left work early and came home to catch her in the act! When I got home, sure as shit there she was naked in bed! I looked all over the apartment but I couldn’t find the guy anywhere so I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and there he was! Hanging over the edge by his fingertips! I ran inside, grabbed a hammer, and started smacking his hands and fingers with it! He finally let go and fell down 25 stories but he landed in some bushes, so I ran inside and grabbed the refrigerator and heaved it over the balcony down on top of him, crushing him and killing him! But the strain and exertion from picking up the refrigerator gave me a heart attack and I died.” Saint Peter let out a faint chuckle, and since it was a crime of passion, he decided to let this poor soul in. Another man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter told this man the same thing, that in order to get in he had to make St. Peter laugh. The second guy told him about how he died. “Well St. Peter, it was awful, I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th story apartment when a flock of birds came out of nowhere and startled me! I fell over the railing but managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below me. All of a sudden, some maniac came outside and started hitting my hands with a hammer until I let go! Luckily, I landed in some bushes but then this guy dropped a freaking refrigerator on me!” Saint Peter chuckled again, let the second man into heaven, and decided he could really start to enjoy his job. A third man came walking up to the pearly gates. Saint Peter gave his speech to this third man and then told him: “Tell me about the day you died” “Oh man Saint Peter you’re never gonna believe this! Alright so picture this…I’m butt naked hiding in a refrigerator…”
I just made sure my son inherits our bathroom scale after I die.
Because where there’s a will, there’s a weigh.
I’ve often heard that “icy” is the easiest word to spell.
Looking at it now, I see why.
What did Kim Jong Un say on his death bed?
My Korea is over
I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Two hats are hanging on a hat rack. One says to the other: you stay here
I'll go on ahead.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
There was an old man who lived by a forest.
As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting. He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.” “What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.” So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
Whenever someone asks me if I know how to use a(n) [INSERT MICROSOFT OFFICE PRODUCT]…
… I tell them, "Why yes, I Excel at it" and when they say, "Well, can you help me do this?" Me: "Word."
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant.