`I used to know ${softwareLingo} but it’s been a while`
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They’re efficient and not very funny.
What are bald sailors most worried about?
Cap sizes!
Ninety-five year old virgin
Ninety-five year old Caroline died a virgin. Her last request stated that her headstone should read: "Here lies Caroline, born a virgin, died a virgin" The stone-cutter had a busy day, and made a shorter version, reading: "Caroline, returned unopened"
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. “Captain,” one of the passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”
"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!" "Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
URGENT!!!! Anybody knows how to put the ring back on a grenade?!
I need an answer like RIGHT NOW!!!
When I was a kid, Santa gave me a lump of coal. The next year, I poisoned his cookies.
Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.
Queue is just one letter followed by four silent letters
They must be waiting for their turn.
Why did the sperm cross the road
I put on the wrong sock this morning.
How do you get a philosophy major off of your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
My kids treat me like God.
They ignore my existence and only talk to me when they need something.
What’s brown and sits on a piano stool?
Beethoven's final movement
![ITS INDESTRUCTABLE!!!! [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/mqitq2lixh441-400x400.jpg)
![Giraffe problems [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/Q2KDLEx-400x400.jpg)
My obese parrot died today
I am sad but it’s a great weight off my shoulders
Did you hear about the ghost that was arrested for inhabiting a bottle of cola?
He was done for possession of coke.
What’s funnier than hearing a joke once?
Hearing it twice. What's funnier than hearing a joke once? Hearing it twice.
What does a tree say once it’s spring?
What a releaf!
It’s a young blonde genie’s first day on the job…
It's a young blonde genie's first day on the job. After returning to genie HQ from her very first charge, she is clearly distraught. The other genies, concerned, ask her what's wrong. She tells them of the young man who's wishes she granted. For his first wish, he asked for a truckload of money. Easy enough, *poof* I provide him with a huge truck, filled top to bottom with cash, and he appears very happy. For his second wish, he wants to be adored by hundreds of beautiful women. I Grant him this wish as well. All the women who are walking by smile and wink at him. One of her fellow genies says, " well, that all sounds great, why are you so upset?" Our genie replies, the last wish is what I just don't understand. He seemed so happy with his first two wishes, why with his third did he wish to be hung like a black man?
Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, “Sir, would you care for a drink?”
I asked her, “what are my options?” She said, “yes or no.”
Wait if the sex of a baby is determined by the father’s sperm …
…does that make semen gender-fluid?
Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in the Post Office
They get really annoyed
I’ll never forget my grandpa’s last words
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!"
A Beer Goes Into a Bar and Orders a Drink.
The bartender brings the drink and the beer starts whining. "My life is terrible, Nobody likes me, The world sucks." The bartender replies "it's all in your head."
![Assault and Pepper [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/wyfla1s8f4n41-400x498.png)
I asked, “Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
He replied, “No sun.”
President Trump made it illegal for stores to sell shredded cheese
“Make America grate again”
I tried to join a secret religious society, but the requirements were very strict.
It was called Diffi cult.
I wrote a song about a tortilla
Actually, it's more of a wrap.
My friend charges £20 for postcards of East Africa on a plank for children to play on.
She sells Seychelles on the see-saw.
Having gay parents must be horrible
I mean you either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck into infinite loop of “go ask your mom”.
