I used to need a mirror when I applied Visine
Is down-right easy
Then it dawned on me, I've been in herbivore.
I relabeled all of the jars in my wife's spice rack. I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is a cumin.
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Easiest would be to ask them, then again we wouldn't know if they're gonna give a straight answer.
"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here." "That works out because I never went to college." "Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here"
He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood. So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his roommate Big Jake in and asks him to fan them with a towel while they make love. Jake agrees. So Tim's fucking away while Jake stands there fanning the two of them with a towel. Still nothing. The girl doesn't even come close to climaxing. Finally after half an hour, Jake humbly suggests, "I think I know what's wrong. Maybe we should switch just once." Tim is desperate to finally please his woman, so he agrees. Jake climbs on and starts fucking Tim's girl while Tim stands there fanning with the towel. Within minutes, she's having multiple screaming, moaning, thrashing, squirting orgasms as Big Jake thrusts away. Tim grins, triumphantly. "You see, Jake!" he says. "Now this is how you fan a girl with a towel!"
She was a runaway bride
It had a vowel movement.
I really do. Edit: Thanks for the silver! Edit: Thanks for the gold! Edit: Thanks for the platinum! Edit: Thanks for 4k up votes!
If the Queen of England farts during dinner, the rest of the guests must pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction.
Because their horns don't work.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
Because I feel an uprising in my lower classes.
They’re a little meteor.
Does that make them shotgun snails?
Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, “What are you two arguing about?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.” “You two should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher. “When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.” The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher.
He disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
Knock knock Who's there? Dwayne Dwayne who? Dwayne the tub before I dwown.
Because she couldn’t control her pupils.
Because he conditioned it.
The mechanic waits til you've grown up to fuck you.
Anyone can learn to roast beef.
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We haven't got a gig yet.
At the baa baa shop!
I'm moving up in this world..
Me: "Sweet dog you got there" Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog." Me: "Still in training, huh?" Policeman: "What do you mean?" Me: "Nevermind"
I see a few new faces here, and i am very disappointed.
I might go take a gander.
She talks about him religiously.
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter. The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own… so does she."
Which is better than suffering from really good ones.
Is now a seasoned veteran
Shit. Wrong thread.