I used to play the triangle in a reggae band…
But I quit as it was just one ting after another…
Machine learning: “I’m as intelligent as human beings”. Also machine learning:
https://ift.tt/36gtLDH
Puns make me numb….
But math puns make me number.
I’ve never gone to a gun range before.
I decided to give it a shot.
Obama: “we continue to wait for a coherent national plan to navigate this pandemic”
https://ift.tt/2VzdwyN
I’ve been so bored recently, I decided to take up fencing…
My neighbors said they’ll call the police if I don’t put it back…
Dad: “Knock, knock!” Kid: “Who’s there?”
Dad: Spell! Kid: Spell who? Dad: W… H… O…
Birthdays are good for your health
Studies have proven that people who have more of them live longer.
I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.
I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.
How fast was Thor’s hammer destroyed?
Hela Fast.
Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
Just called the tinnitus hotline
It didn’t stop ringing
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes.
That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes
When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me
or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.
Me: Mom meet my girlfriend.
Mom: You sure about this? I think you deserve better. Me: But mom, I love her so much! Mom: I'm talking to her.
Engineering Degree: Expectation VS Reality GERMAN EDITION
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVGRclcGnsY&t=22s
Why were people running towards Finland?
It was a race to the Finnish.
I made a belt out of watches once,
It was a waist of time.
An atheist, a vegan, and a cross fitter walk into a bar.
I know because they told everyone within two minutes.
Unwritten rules of Life…..
1. 2. 3.
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits in your wife’s clothes
My local movie theater got robbed of $1000 yesterday…
The thieves made off with two medium cokes, a large bag of popcorn and some M&M’s.
What’s funnier than the plague?
This week? Just about anything.
This cancer game is easy
i'm already on stage 4
Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?
Something inside me says yes.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says
"Five beers,please."
What did the duck say when she bought a lipstick?
Put it on my bill!!
WHAT DO WE WANT?! Low flying airplane noises! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!
Neeeeeeeeeeeooowwwwwwwwwww.
I wondered where my boomerang was after i threw it
and then it hit me
My name is ______
But you can call me anytime
I’m a social vegan.
I avoid meet.
Just bought a thesaurus and got home to find out the pages are all blank!
I have no words to describe how angry I am…
I Googled “how to start a wildfire”.
I got 48,500 matches.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay they’d be bagels.
What do you call a one-armed karate man?
A partial artist!
My wife just got her breast pump going…
So my wife just got her breast pump all set up. She's got the double suckers rolling, tits out, milk flowing like a minor tributary. And I ASK "ARE YOU PUMPED?!" fucking genius…. She stared silently for like 10 seconds. Then told me to post here.
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m too scrawny…
I just gave my too weak notice!
Jews foreskin be like
[removed]
Therapist: your wife says you never buy her flowers.
Husband: to be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
What’s blue and not heavy?
Light blue.
Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?
Patient: Good news please. Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.
