I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it

Last night, me and my friend watched 3 DVDs back to back. Luckily, I was the one facing the tv.

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I love the way the Earth rotates…

It really makes my day.

(From my 9 year-old son) What type of fish should you use to catch other fish?

Bait-a fish.

When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.

We were maid for each other.

After a long day, it was nice to hear someone compliment my homemade bread.

I kneaded that.

What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

This thing from my English book

https://ift.tt/2GJiK2K

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.

The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold- blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

100 funny meme

1/100 chance, I’d kill someone

https://ift.tt/2xY5XIl

What do French people say when riding a roller coaster?

OUUUIIIIIIIIII

Thomas Quick caught speeding

Scientists removed the right half of a man’s noggin…

Scientists removed the right half of a man's noggin and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's noggin, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "Look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one- believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten, okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"