I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
It really makes my day.
We were maid for each other.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold- blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”
Scientists removed the right half of a man's noggin and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's noggin, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "Look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one- believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten, okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
Dave: I want to be rich. Genie: And your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money.
Oh wait, never mind. She was just getting the mail.
People were lined up for blocks
That's Crossing the Border
But the taxidermist only did her back half. It was a cat-ass-trophey.
But I stand corrected.
It's changing your ring tone
Should have put the oven on aloha setting!
In case they need to draw blood
The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland. The second, I don’t want to be cremated.
She has the worst stutter ever.
… so that’s odd.
You’re still using fowl language.
It shall romaine nameless.
Smiles. Because there is a mile between the S's. Have to give credit to my ten year old daughter for this one… Apparently I'm bringing her up right.
Because they're paper view.
but hay… It’s in my jeans.
On the other hand, everything is OK
“Yes, we arson.”