I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
So there was an American and a Russian arguing.
Then the American said “Look, in my country I can complain about the government. I can walk into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the President’s Desk and say ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re running our country’” The Russian said “I can do the same thing” The American was stunned and said “Really?” The Russian responded “Yes, I can walk to Moscow, go to the Secretary of State’s office, pound my fist on his desk and say ‘President Secretary of State, I don’t like the way the American President is running their country”
Everyone knows it’s not socialism if you’re subsidizing people who own for a living.
https://ift.tt/2WfSFRV
Breaking: Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump have both been diagnosed with Bone Spurs.
https://ift.tt/2FfFcj5
I was driving with my wife and suddenly Pearl Jam started playing on the radio.
I told her, “It doesn’t get Eddie Vedder than this.”
My favorite sex position is called WOW.
It’s where I flip your MOM over.
A naked woman robbed a bank
Nobody could remember her face
Son: “Do you want the wooden one or the plastic one?”
Dad: *Getting into row boat* "either oar"
A student fell asleep in class so the teacher kicked him. “WTF!” the student screamed.
"You have been kicked due to inactivity."
What kind of vitamin improves your eyesight?
Vitamin see!
How did Jesus pay for our sins
He used praypal
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
What do you call a priest that’s also a lawyer?
A father in law
My toddler just dad joked me.
She asked for ice for some imaginary wound, and as I gave her the ice pack (shaped like a circle with five fingers), she told me, "Thanks, Dad, I just needed a hand." I've never been more proud.
(OC) How do you say goodnight to a tortilla chip?
Buenos Nachos!
TIL: Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
I’ve been diagnosed with a terrible disease that makes me tell an abundance of airport jokes…
The doctor says it’s terminal
I used to be scared of pretty girls,
So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.
Why do men give their jackets to women when they are cold?
No man wants a blowjob from a woman with shaky teeth
I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. ‘Do you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?’
‘Because we don’t need depth perception with our mouths ‘ was his technically correct answer
Be careful if you decide to breed rabbits
I've heard that it's a real hare raising experience
What’s the difference between the Queen of England and computer cable?
One's a British WASP, the other is a USB.
I busted a nut
https://imgur.com/gallery/7muPMMy
We got pulled over and the cop wanted to know if my dad knew why. “With all due respect sir,” my dad replied…
"If you forgot, I'm not going to remind you."
Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm…
He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood. So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his roommate Big Jake in and asks him to fan them with a towel while they make love. Jake agrees. So Tim's fucking away while Jake stands there fanning the two of them with a towel. Still nothing. The girl doesn't even come close to climaxing. Finally after half an hour, Jake humbly suggests, "I think I know what's wrong. Maybe we should switch just once." Tim is desperate to finally please his woman, so he agrees. Jake climbs on and starts fucking Tim's girl while Tim stands there fanning with the towel. Within minutes, she's having multiple screaming, moaning, thrashing, squirting orgasms as Big Jake thrusts away. Tim grins, triumphantly. "You see, Jake!" he says. "Now this is how you fan a girl with a towel!"
This Movie Trailer Thumbnail and Title are Sending Serious Boomer Humor Vibes
https://ift.tt/2QPPJrg
A son goes crying to his mom..
Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin." Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
A journal goes to an insane asylum to write an article about it…
He sees all the patient milling around in one room and suddenly one yells 34!and everybody laughs. A few minutes later someone else yells 68! And everybody cracks up laughing.What are they doing? The journalist asks the directior.Well, says the direction… you see, all these people have been together for so long and they've all been telling the same jokes through the years. So now they have a numbering system down, they yell the number and everybody knows the joke and the punchline, saves then telling the whole joke over again.Try one… says the director.Alright, says the journalist and yells 22 and nobody laughs…What happened?Ehh… says the director… that joke was lame
I got the words jacuzzi and yakuza confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I was told to post this here
this here
A lottery winner decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse and goes to a high end stable.
"I'm not really sure which kind I want," he tells the owner. "Well, it depends on what you want them to do," the owner says. "Over here, we have a Type A horse – good workers, but temperamental. Back there eating hay you have a Type B horse – mostly good for companionship." "That sounds interesting. What about the one swimming in the lake over there?" the lottery winner says. "Oh, him? That's a C horse."
Today I was in the bank when two men came in wearing masks…
Everyone felt a huge relief when they told us it's only a bank robbery.
The past, present and future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
What do you call a tired skeleton?
The Grim Sleeper
What did Delaware?
A new Jersey!
Lost Wife
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around a shopping mall when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a red halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?" The old guy says, "Doesn't matter – let's look for yours."
I just found out how to burn 2000 calories
I left my brownies in the oven too long
How does a Rabbi make tea?
Hebrews it
I walked into the library and asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.
She said: "They're right behind you."
