I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
How do you measure the mass of a Red Hot Chili Pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
Every morning on my way to work, the same bike comes and tries to run me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother
until my mom took the urn from me.
I just found out I’m colorblind…
It came completely out of the purple…
Did you know the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France?
They were actually cooked in Greece
A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam’s nationality.
A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality. The Frenchman said, "Of course Adam was French. Look how passionately he made love to Eve!" The Englishman said, "Of course Adam was British. Look how he gave his only apple to the lady, like a real gentleman." The Russian said, "Of course Adam only could be Russian. Who else, possessing nothing but a sole apple, and walking with a naked ass, still believed he was in a paradise?"
How do you write a cliffhanger?
No text found
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Masturbating
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating. He said, "What are you doing father?" "It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon." "Why father?" he asked. "Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.
What’s with these stingy ducks
They can’t get rid of their bills
Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts. The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly. The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK? These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."
I was embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set, so I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I slept so badly last night I started reading the dictionary
By 4am I was past caring…
I just learned the medical name for Viagra.
Mycoxaflopin
A man with a 25 inch penis…
Was having a hard time getting laid so he goes to the doctor. The doctor said “No, I’m sorry but you will have to go to a surgeon”. The man goes to the surgeon and the surgeon said “ Sorry there’s nothing I can do but you can try a witch doctor”. So the man thought at this point he might as well give it a try. So he goes to the witch doctor and the witch doctor said” Oh, that’s easy. Just climb up the Bear Mountains and go down Bear Mountains. Fog will appear then disappear. Once the fog disappear, a frog will appear on a lily pad. Ask that frog if that frog will marry you.” So the man goes up the Bear Mountains, down the Bear Mountains, fog appears, fog disappeared. A frog appears on a lily pad. The man ask the frog if he will marry him. The frog says no and the man felt a trembling and shake, looked down his pants and noticed his penis shrank by 5 inches. The man asked the frog again, “Frog, will you marry me?”. The frog again said no. The man felt the trembling and shaking again and noticed his penis shrank by 5 more inches. He thought to himself, “This is great! All I gotta do is ask the frog one more time and he will say no and I’ll have a 10 in perfect penis and every woman will want to have sex with me”. He proceeded to ask the frog one more time “Frog, will you marry me?” The frog looks up at him and said “How many times I gotta tell you? NO, NO, NO!”
Why do white teenage girls always hang out in groups of 3, 5 or 7?
They just, like, literally can't even
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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If you lock up your girlfriend and dog in the trunk of a car for an hour…
which one is gonna be happy to see you when you open it up?
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
“Wow!” I say. “It’s climate change!”
When You Realize That WWE Is Nothing Like High School Wrestling
When You Realize That WWE Is Nothing Like High School Wrestling
I had 12 bottles of whisky in my basement.
However, my wife did not approve of this ownership of liquor, so she asked me to dispose of it in the sink. And since I didn't dare oppose her, I commenced my precarious mission thus: I pulled the cork out of the first bottle, and poured the contents down the drain, except for one glass which I drank. Then I pulled the cork from the second bottle, poured the contents in the sink, except for one glass, which I drank. Then I pulled the cork off the third bottle, poured one glass, except for the content, which I drank. Then i pulled the cork out of the fourth sink, poured the bottle in the glass, which I drank. I then pulled the cork out of the next glass, poured the cork in the bottle and pulled the glass. After that, I pulled the cork out of the bottle, poured the sink in the bottle and put the cork in the bottle with the glass and pored the whisky on the bottle. When all the bottles were empty, I had to support the house with one hand while I counted bottles, corks and glasses with the other hand. I got 29, precisely. To be absolutely sure, I counted once more. This time I got 74 again. When the house was passing by I counted everything again, and lastly all the houses, bottles and sinks, except for one cork that I poured in the house and drank…
My friends star sign was cancer and it was quite ironic how he died really
He was attacked by a giant crab
If I had a nickel for everytime I failed a math test.
I'd have 83 cents
Every night I tell my wife I’m going out for a jog, but I don’t go, and she knows it
It’s a running joke.
Mom wins.
I'm the Dad. So, we're driving around and we see a "Mobile Paper Shredder" truck. Me: "I don't have any mobile paper." (good Dad joke, right?) Her: "It's all stationary."
The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 160 days, proving the country does not belong to China.
Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.
Did you hear about the new restaurant in town called Karma?
There is no menu. You get what you deserve.
A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar carrying a large chunk of concrete. He turns to the bartender and says " Give me a drink. And one for the road."
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
I am terrified of elevators.
I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards…
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
My wife told me sex is better on holiday
…worst postcard ever.
My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.
She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.” Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me. She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?” I got up and went straight to my car. My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said “I knew I could trust you.” Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.