I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole crushing.
Why was the castle prostitute tired all the time?
She worked knights.
What do you call an unvaccinated Italian?
Marco Polio
People tell me that my phone is more powerful than the computer that put astronauts on the moon.
Yet when I use my phone to navigate it will tell me to turn when there is no turn. But I guess it makes sense since there aren’t a lot of turns between Earth and the Moon.
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing!
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell people he was a vegan.
I’ve always had an irrational fear of speed bumps.
But I'm slowly getting over it.
A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a rabbit walk into a bar.
There rabbit takes a look around the joint and says, "I'm beginning to think I'm a typo."
What do you call a man with sore hands?
Arthur Itis.
A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.
Master: Hey boy, what do you got there? Dog: Bark Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark? Dog: Ruff Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there? Dog: With the ladder
My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.
They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.
My cousin’s allergic to shellfish, and I giggled as I told him I put clams in his soup.
You should've seen his reaction…
Found this one in the local paper and translated it
So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100€ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up? Santa because the first two don't exist.
I once swallowed a whole dictionary.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
Did you hear about the day the cows ran away?
It was udder madness
“Tell me what you want.” I whispered as I slid my finger up and down her G string. She moaned…
"I want my guitar back."
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin?
He made a grave mistake.
Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway! ~ My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska…
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"
Do you know what is the worst part about being an egg?
You get laid only once
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed platypus.
What do you call it when a pirate pees on people?
Arrrrrrrgh Kelly
Security professionals advise to never use ‘beef stew’ as a password
It isn’t stroganoff
Her: Atleast invite me out to dinner.
Him: I don’t go out with married women, sorry. Her: But I am your wife? Him: I make no exceptions.
I want to go to Vegas next year
But I can't find any information about what happens there
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what they've been laced with but I've been tripping all day.
Scientists have finally figured out how much sleep a teenager needs.
Just five more minutes.
What did the 0 say to the 8 ?
Nice belt
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
My son said he always gets tired after using his phone for too long.
I heard they got a nap for that.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long
A pithon Happy pi day