I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandads dick last night…
I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
Why were the Native Americans the first to come to America?
Because they had reservations
My daughter really changed a lot after becoming a vegan.
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I’m a compulsive gambler…
Ever since, all I can think about is how to win her back.
What’s brown and not very heavy??
Light brown.
If I had to describe myself in one word..
It would be "bad at following directions"
Today I wished my dad a Happy Father’s Day.
His response: “Thanks son. I couldn’t have done it without you!” Happy Father’s Day!!
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did you get it? Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy. The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
My mute grandfather always said:
No text found
Found this scrolling through my insta. Not screaming boomer but definitely boomer esq humor.
https://ift.tt/2NiAtSj
A Transgender goes to a dominatrix
The dominatrix never had a transgender client before, but she was a professional, over 5 years in the field, so she decided to agree to take the job. On the first day, she asked: "How should I refer to you, what pronoun do you go by?" Trans person: "Them". And as time goes by they keep talking and getting to know each other, they even tell jokes. After a couple sessions the trans person says "Hey can you tell me that joke you told yesterday again? It was hilarious!", the dom says sure and tells the joke again, but unsure what's funny about hearing the same joke twice. They keep meeting up, having a laugh, all the while engaging in dom sex. After a few weeks of this, the dominatrix is at a coffee shop with her friend when the trans client shows up and says hi. Her friend, surprised, asks "How do you know him?" "They're a client" the dom replied, "but they have a weird fetish" "What is it?" asked the friend, leaning in to hear some gossip "This sub loves when you tell them the same jokes every day!" Edit: consistency with pronouns
Most people think that T-Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms
But it's actually because they're dead
I really owe a lot to sidewalks.
They've been keeping me off the streets for years.
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed Platypus.
Ok boomer bad. Ban good.
This sub is for comics that display boomer humor. It is not an ok boomer sub or boomer reaction sub. Violators will be temporarily banned.
Sometimes I tell dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
What do you call a cousin-fucker in the U.S?
A redneck. What do you call a cousin-fucker in Europe? Your Majesty.
A carrot and his wife are walking home from a party late at night and he gets hit by a car.
Mrs. Carrot takes him to the ER and after a day of surgery, the doctor steps out and says, "Mrs. Carrot, I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, we saved your husband. The bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
Can’t imagine someone not understanding what erectile dysfunction is
I mean, it's not very hard.
I bought a wooden car today.
Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition. Wooden start.
The skydiving instructor asked if there were any questions.
So…Is it a freefall? I asked him. He said, It is, indeed. I said, Good, because I haven't got any money.
I told my son, “Have you heard that they’re shutting down all food resources in schools, so that children can’t eat?”
"Canteens?" he asked. "No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.
I got fired today because my manager caught me masturbating with a vegetable during my break
Apparently nursing homes have “strict rules” about what you can do with the patients.
Two wind turbines sit in the ocean, one turns to the other and says “What music do you listen to?”
The turbine says “I’m a massive heavy metal fan”
My Dad just hit me with this one
A song came on on the speakers and I asked "Is this green Day?" He replied "No, it's valentine's Day"
I told my wife we could still have a threesome during this Coronavirus pandemic.
There would be six feet between us.
A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc. “There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”. That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”. He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks; “What’s for dinner honey?” No answer. He moves closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still no answer. He moves even closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife. “What’s for dinner honey?” “FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”
Ah yes, a completely binary affaire with no place for nuance or individualism.
https://ift.tt/2RmNRad
What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
Look, no hands!
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
I’m so good at sleeping
I could do it with my eyes closed
What does ED stand for?
Nothing, it stands for nothing.
There’s a new horror film out about a man that possessed people by sneezing.
It's based on achoo story.
I was staying at a hotel.
Some people took the stairs to their rooms, and some took the elevator. Right then I realized everyone was raised differently
How much sperm does a gay guy have?
A buttload