I walked in on my wife on the scale.
She didn't look pleased so I said "suck in your stomach!"
She quickly replied, "that's not going to help"
I retorted, "it might let you see the numbers"
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
I saw two guys walking around in same outfit with their dog, so I ask them if they were gay.
Those faggots arrested me.
I called the tinnitus help line
It kept ringing
I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theater.
It's ok though, it still saved me money.
My friend was found guilty of using too many commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
Kentuckians
After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10. The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor. So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! "1" "2" "3" “4” "5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and all of Washington DC.
What’s the difference between a piano, fish and glue
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish
Anytime I tell a terrible joke to my kids, I walk away from them and yell it from across the room.
If they groan, I say, “I think I took this joke too far.”
Recently, I have started gardening and started to plant all my herbs in alphabetical order. People often ask how I find the time.
I tell them “it’s next to the sage”
If having sex for money makes you a whore…
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the Ark hives
My dad’s star sign was cancer which is ironic considering how he died
He was attacked by a giant crab
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
I have some jokes about unemployed people, but I can’t tell them to you
None of them work
A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”
The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”
What’s the difference between acne and a priest?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.
How come 11 ants couldn’t park their cars at their ant hill?
Because parking is for ten ants only!
What’s the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
One sells watches, while the other watches cells. 😆
I heard this girl talking about how much she hates stalkers.
I nearly fell out of my tree.
What do you call a line of men waiting for a hair cut?
A barber queue
I’m only putting a picture of me in my locket.
This proves I'm independent.
My missus packed my bags and left them in the hallway
As I walked out the door, she screamed… "I wish you a slow and painful death you bastard!!" "Oh!" I replied "so you want me to fucking stay now!"
A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they’ll grant 3 requests before they scalp him.
The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free." So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset. As the sun dips in the sky, here comes the horse back, with a beautiful brunette in the saddle. "Is this your last request?" the chief asks. "Uh, no," says the cowboy. "My last request is to say goodbye to my horse once more." "Ok…" says the chief. The cowboy leans into his horses ear and hisses, "You idiot! I said 'Posse! Posse!"
I just bought Spider Man pyjamas
I hope he likes them
What did the tie say to the hat?
I’ll hang around here and you go on a-head
Wife got her test results back. We thought she had Tourette’s syndrome. Tests were negative.
Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off
I recently took a pole and 100% of the people…
…were upset when their tent collapsed
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.
Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did…
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple. "Who is it?" "It's Mark." Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia." "Very well son, come in." Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew." Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia." "Very well son, come in." At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John." Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York." "Very well son, come in." Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas!" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE DEA!"
Fun fact you can’t breath while smiling.
Just kidding I just wanted to make you smile 🙂
[At the wedding] Priest: Repeat after me…
Groom: After me.. Priest, looking at bride: Is he serious? Bride: No, his name is Mike.
I, for one
Like roman numerals.
The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run
I guess school really does prepare you for the real world
What do you give a pig with a rash?
Oinkment.
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
I prefer to have my milk churned.
It’s butter that way.
Two wrongs don’t make a right…
But two Wrights make a plane.