I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.
“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?”
“Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.”
“Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”
The people of Dubai don't like The Flintstones ,while the people of Abu Dhabi do.
I don’t know how you sleep at night
He wasn't being very trans parent.
"No, the regular kind."
Because they're very good at it.
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each…
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere! Now you have a better understanding of how the cryptocurrency market works.
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
I have a complex complex complex
Kid: Why are you doing that? Dad: So you don't get bored there.
But sadly John came in fifth and only received a toaster.
All I did was take a day off!
I looked over at him and shouted, “Well that’s not very mature is it??”
She is going to be very pissed when she finds out.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki
What a liar! I opened the fridge and it's working just fine.
I have no idea, but it ain't 3 cause my basement is still dark.
Because they lactose
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills. The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?” She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.” The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?” The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!” “That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?” The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”
I will put my glasses on.
I think he's lost the plot…
The Australians. They asked you to take a “proper gander over there”
None, it's all tongue-and-groove.
µ Please ignore this text. It's only here to add more words because a single letter joke gets removed by the mods, who don't subscribe to the belief that brevity is the soul of wit. Thank you for not reading this message.
It wasn’t born yesterday
Running, jk rowling
The steaks couldn't be higher.
It always gives me the E B G Bs.
Doctor: "That's not how ADHD works…" Man: "But I keep losing my Focus!"
It’s called Aye Caroomba.
I never get a straight answer.