I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.
“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?”
“Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.”
“Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”
Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?
The hip consultant
How do you make holy water?
Boil the heck out of it.
Kermit The Frog and Henry The Eighth…
…have the same middle name
If all ‘t’s were silent…
…we'd never hear the end of it.
A shipment of Viagra has been stolen
Police looking for hardened criminals.
How do trees 🎄 access internet?
They log in
I never understood school shooting jokes
I guess they’re aimed at a younger audience….
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
Browsing reddit on mobile? Place your device on your body.
r/dadjokes on you!
A university student wanted to sit next to his professor at break time.
However, the teacher regarded the student with a haughty face and said: “A dove should not be friends with a donkey.” “Then I shall fly on” the student replied with a cheeky smile. The teacher was clearly annoyed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student in his exams. In the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had incredible answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question: “You’re walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?” “The gold.” “I don’t agree. I would choose cleverness, because that’s more important than money.” “Everyone would choose what they don’t have” says the student. The teacher turns red, and he is so outraged he writes “ass” on the student’s paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says: “Excuse me sir, you did sign my paper, but you forgot to give my grade!”
What did the momma cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime
I never liked myself with facial hair…
but since I stopped shaving this beard has been growing on me.
Religion is like a penis.
It's fine to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around… and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my child's throat.
Why did they release Star Wars episodes 4, 5 & 6 before episodes 1, 2 & 3?
In charge of the schedule Yoda was.
What did the cannibal’s wife do when he came home late for dinner?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
When you say “poop” your mouth moves in the same way your anus does.
The same goes for "explosive diarrhea".
With the recent spike in sex toy purchases because of corona virus, I can only draw one conclusion.
The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.
The look on his face was priceless.
My boss told me as a security guard, it was my job to watch the office
I'm on season six, I don't know what it has to do with security though.
Sometimes I think I have a superiority complex…
But then I realize I’m better than that.
I was on a date with a woman who said “I am a big country fan.”
Me trying to sound intelligent: " Well, China is 3.7 million square miles. "
I feel awful because I scolded my son after he gave me my 50th birthday card
But part of me feels justified because one would have been enough
I just love how the earth rotates
It makes my day
What borders on stupidity?
Mexico and Canada.
Asked my mum “How much is a couple?” “2 or 3” she replied.
…probably explains why her marriage collapsed
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut
They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher
Funny how things are still tagged NSFW
As if any of us still have jobs
Me: I’m afraid of the vertical axis.
Therapist: Why? Me: Screams
My son asked me, “If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?”
I smiled and said, "America."
I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home all the signs were there.
Why is the letter B so cool?
Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC