I wanna tell my girlfriend she’s using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings.
How do I soften the blow?
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
My wife says she’s like a microwave.
She's easy to turn on, gets hot quick, and if you put a baby in her she'll kill it. .
I’ll let you have this roof for free
It's on the house
I like to disassociate myself from the word ‘Xenophobia’
It's a bit too foreign-sounding for my liking.
What did one oar say to the other oar?
Can I interest you in some rowmance?
My friend told me she didn’t understand how cloning works
"that makes two of us"
How do you piss off a female archeologist?
Find a used tampon and ask her what period it is from.
I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
What do you call an octopus with 4 hearts?
An octopus with 1 extra heart. (It’s a learning joke 😁)
I was captured by ISIS after Iran away
Now all I’m China do is to survive
Do not use “BEEFSTEW” as a password
It's not stroganoff
All the animals came to the Ark together. Even the insects came in pairs.
Except the worms, they came in apples.
“Using three words…” said my personal trainer. “How would you define your body?”
I said, "In a gym."
When I was younger, I lived in a houseboat and started to date the girl next door.
Unfortunately we soon drifted apart.
When I die, I’m donating my body to science.
It’s the only way I’ll ever get into medical school.
A man comes to the doctor and says, “m-m-m-my d-d-dick is so pressurized that I st-st-stutter.”
The doctor tells him he will give him a dick transplant. He loses his 3-foot-long dick for a 4-inch-long dick. He comes back in a week and says, "Now my wife wont have sex with me. May I have the old one back?" The doctor replies… "A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal."
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula
My little sister just learned how to crack knock knock jokes and she just used this on me
Her: knock knock Me: who's there? Her: eye lo Me: eye lo who? Her: eye lo you This is isn't funny but I had to share my lil 2 year old's first knock knock joke
There are three stages of sex after marriage:
Tri-weekly. Try weekly. Try weakly.
I recently got a Delorian but…
…I only drive it from time to time.
My grandpa used to tell this one all the time….How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Which playing cards are the best dancers?
The king and queen of clubs.
My dad told me that he wished me a deep hole filled with water
I know he meant well
A lamb, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff.
Ba dum tss
She: “What’s your birthday?”
Me: "January first." She: "What year?" Me: "Every year."
I was always told to we should celebrate our mistakes
I guess that's why my mum throws me a birthday party every year
I’m a 50 year old with a 20 year old body
How do I bury it
I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic…..
I was in Daniel…
Algebra was the easiest subject to learn in Ancient Rome.
Because x was always 10.
My grandfather’s favourite joke
First time posting here, my grandfather's funeral was yesterday, and in honor of him I thought I would share his favourite joke of all time. My grandfather worked in advertisement, and his favourite jokes had to do with bad advertising. His favourite? Women's dresses, half off. Rest in peace grampie. You'll never be forgotten.
An officer and a lawyer were having a discussion in court.
Lawyer: "A woman shot her husband because he stepped on her freshly mopped floor." Officer: "That is correct." Lawyer: "Officer, can you explain why it took you 20 minutes to arrest the woman once you got there?" Officer: "The floor was still wet."
I don’t trust people who do acupuncture.
They’re all backstabbers
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
Someone keeps leaving celery on my doorstep…
I think I'm being stalked! EDIT: a word
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.