I wanna tell my girlfriend she’s using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings.
How do I soften the blow?
Ladies, If your fella can’t appreciate a good fruit joke.
You need to let that mango.
I looked up opaque in the dictionary
But the definition is unclear.
Im at an Iranian military post
Edit: This post just blew up
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They're… hill areas.
A Chinese man walks into a bar and sits right next to a Jewish man.
The Jewish man starts eyeing the Chinese man suspiciously, a dark expression covering his face. Suddenly, with no warning at all, he stands up, grabs the Chinese man by the neck, smashes his face against the bar and throws him to the floor. The Chinese man, dazed and angry, stands up and confronts the Jewish man. “What the fuck is wrong with you?! Why would you do that?!” The Jewish man looks him in the eye and says “That was for bombing Pearl Harbor.” The Chinese man froze. “For bombing Pe- but that was the Japanese!! I am Chinese!” “Japanese, Chinese, Korean, you’re all the same to me”, said the Jewish man. Dumbfounded, the Chinese man sits at the bar and orders another beer. He keeps eyeing the Jewish man, a dark expression on his face. Suddenly, he grabs his beer mug and smashes it against the Jewish man’s face, then proceeds to punch him and kick him until the Jewish man isn’t moving any more. He sits back at the bar. After a couple of minutes, the Jewish man struggles to his feet, stumbles to the bar, and confronts the Chinese man. “What the fuck was that about?” The Chinese man sips his beer, and without looking at the Jewish man, he says “That was for sinking the Titanic.” Outraged, the Jewish man goes red. “Sinking the Ti- that was an iceberg!!” The Chinese man shrugs. “They’re all the same to me, icebergs, Goldbergs, Rosenbergs, Silberbergs…”
Why was 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71
Today, I accidentally played dad instead of dead when a bear was running at me.
He can now ride a bike without training wheels.
Did you hear about the professor afraid of negative numbers?
He stops at nothing to avoid them
A woman gets a call from kidnappers.
"We have your son," said the kidnapper. "I don't have a son," says the woman. "Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crust off his sandwiches?" "Oh, God you have my husband!"
How did the vegan start eating meat?
Cold turkey.
My son asked me how hard it is to calculate the area of a circle
I told him it’s easy as pi
The Fast and The Furious 10 title should be dedicated to Paul Walker
Fast 10: Your Seatbelts
If male cows ate one another instead of hay…
It would be appropriate to serve meals to them as "Can-a-bull."
I can’t believe that even after all these years after the show ended, people are still making “Friends” references…
No one told me life was gonna be this way…
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink.
No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theater.
What’s the difference between a sniper with bad vision, and a constipated owl?
One shoots but can't hit. The other hoots but can't shit
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum hiss
My wife gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever
I turned 18 today, and to celebrate I bought a locket and put my own picture in it…
I guess I really am independent!
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the 'no-bell' prize."
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.
They're pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED". The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in. The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog." "A doberman for a guide dog?" The waiter asks, skeptical. "Yes." The man replies. "Dobermans are very loyal. They're easy to train and protective too. They're born for the job." The waiter sighs and leads the man to a table. The second man, excited by this idea, throws on his sunglasses and walks in. The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog." "A chihuahua for a guide dog?" The waiter asks. "A chihuahua?" The man asks. "They gave me a chihuahua?!"
Dad: Hey, remember tomorrow is Father’s Day!
Me: Yeah, but it’s son day as well.
What does necrophilia and alcoholism have in common?
The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.
What kind of doctor was Dr. Pepper?
A fizzicision
What’s the warmest part of a room?
The corners. They’re 90 degrees.
If you stand by the sea…
…it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
My Communist girlfriend is a real psycho….
How in the world did I miss all the red flags?
I quit my job as a postman on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
What’s the difference between a politician and a serial killer?
The serial killer might listen if you plead with them
