I wanna try asking out my school crush, but it might come off as awkward
Man being a teacher is hard
Someone’s going to have to put an end to this Epstein meme craze.
Cause it’s not gonna kill itself.
My wife left me when I became a contortionist.
I should be sad, but I'm knot.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes we arson
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
If I had a Nickle For every Time I was Clueless, I’d be Like
How the f*** did I get all these nickles?
What’s Usain Bolt’s favourite remote button?
Fast forward
My wife says that she won’t let our newly born son have an insect surname.
But I'm quite Adam Ant about it.
My girlfriend used to be a hoe but she got fat
Now she's a shovel
There’s a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink…
He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
I knew this butcher who accidentally backed into his meat grinder
He got a little behind in his work
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way
Can vegans eat pudding?
No! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat!?
I previously suffered from premature ejaculation my GF got me some cream that reduces sensitivity
It 100% totally work's now i don't give a fuck about that bitch.
Why does a mathematician eat 9 times everyday?
So that he has 3 squared meals per day
Babies Drinking beer. So funny!!! If your baby didn’t drink beer then YOU’RE A SISSY
https://ift.tt/3cqErSG
3 girls and thier mother were walking through a park…
Girl 1 turned to her mother and said… Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily? Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head. The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question… Girl 2: Why is my name Rose? Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says… Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block
The other day I yelled into a colander.
I strained my voice.
Why don’t mitochondria have girlfriends?
Because they're incells.
What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?
A mathemachicken
Where did captain hook buy his hook
The second hand store
If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic
Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic: There isn't any iceberg. There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean. The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon. There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg. We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be repaired very shortly. The iceberg is a Chinese iceberg. We are taking on water but every passenger who wants a lifeboat can get a lifeboat, and they are beautiful lifeboats. Look, passengers need to ask nicely for the lifeboats if they want them. We don't have any lifeboats, we're not lifeboat distributors. Passengers should have planned for icebergs and brought their own lifeboats. I really don't think we need that many lifeboats. We have lifeboats and they're supposed to be our lifeboats, not the passengers' lifeboats. The lifeboats were left on shore by the last captain of this ship. Nobody could have foreseen the iceberg.
My wife was disappointed when she found out why my friends call me “The Love Machine”.
Because I suck at tennis.
What is a pirate’s favorite letter?
(After they reply with R) Ye think it’d be Arr, but me first love be the C
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out…I replied “baby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on…
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
My buddy gave me a terrible thesaurus. It was terrible
No text found
When Mozart died, you could hear his music playing backwards at his grave.
He was decomposing.