I want my data fast!
Asking for a friend! Jeff is the best
Let us die? He’d gladly kill us all to stay in power.
If getting married is supposed to be forever…
…does that mean there's a wifetime guarantee?
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar
What’s going on
Why don’t churches have WiFi?
They don't wanna compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Our consistently awesome potus
I was putting the outlet cover back on the wall while my wife was working at the computer with her back to me…
She said “what are you doing? What is that noise?” I said “I’ve been screwing around behind your back.” She whipped around in shock and saw me, screwdriver in hand, screwing in the outlet cover. I found it way more entertaining then she did.
My dad shared this on facebook
omg it is outdoors level!!!
That guy looks sorta familiar…
Nobody’s heard from the Zamboni drivers since the NHL cancelled their season.
I'm sure they'll resurface at some point.
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.
When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
Have you heard the joke about procrastination?
I’ll tell you tomorrow.
What do you call cocaine for your butt?
Why would you say something so controversial yet so brave?
Probably the same person
A German is trying to to make his way to Paris
At the border, the French customs agent asks him “Name?” “Hans Mueller.” “Place of residence?” “Munich.” “Occupation?” “No, just vacation this time.”
Not OC but deserved a spot here. Check out SMBC Comics for similar content.
Phone bad. Son stupid. (By webdonuts on Instagram)
A family at the dinner table
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
I serve the atomic nucleus
My dad is a social distancing champion!!!
I havent seen him since 2005
NBA AND CHINA.
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down.
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.
Non-vaccinated children are less likely to have autism
Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3
Some people have difficulties sleeping.
But I can do it with my eyes closed.
The waitress came over and saw my leftovers and asked, “do ya wanna box for that?”
I responded with, "no, but we can arm wrestle any day."
My origin story
I can’t believe it’s been more than a hundred years since Einstein proposed his Theory of Relativity.
It feels like only yesterday.
I was reading a book about Stockholm Syndrome the other day.
It was really bad to begin with, but by the end I quite liked it.
While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
My dad took me to an Apple store to buy me an iPhone 11
Me: "Please don't fart here." Dad: "Why?" Me: "Because they don't have Windows."
A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name
'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Dingaling. I know — a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
No Kidding Only Coding, A funny satirical article on daily dilemma of an Indian Parent
“boy, girl, time for dinner!”
Found at my church
Man post therapy McDonalds is the best.
People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks
We really need to raise the bar
Ralph came home drunk one night
slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ’You died in your sleep, Ralph. . ’ Ralph was stunned. ’I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’ St. Peter said, ’I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken. ’ Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. . The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. ’So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’ ’Not bad, replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’ ’You’re ovulating, ’ explained the rooster. ’Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? ’ ’Never, ’ said Ralph. ’Well, just relax and let it happen, ’ says the rooster. ’It’s no big deal. ’ Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell. . . . . "Ralph! Wake up you dirty bastard. You've shit the bed"
Not 1, not 2 not even 3
Boomers and masks… amirite?
Coming from C, Python is not intuitive
Not that any of us could experience it…
Captchas are getting out of hand these days
A bee keeper walks into a pet store
He asked the person at the counter for 12 bees. After walking out the store, he notices that he's been given 13 bees by accident. He walks back in and says “there has been an accident, and you’ve given me 13 bees.” The Shopkeeper says "No mistake sir, that one is a freebie!"
I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due
She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"
Sorry little one
When you make your imaginary friend quite irate
Dads are like boomerangs
A higgs boson particle goes into a church…
…and the preacher says, “higgs boson aren’t allowed in here! you call yourself the God particle, sacrilege!!” …to which the higgs boson particle replies “if you don’t allow higgs boson particles, how do you have mass?”
I saw a homeless guy living in a tyre. I did him a favour and punctured it.
Now he's living in a flat
Asked me girlfriend if I was the only one she’d ever been with
She replied “yes, the rest were nines and tens”
Burn baby burn!
Wait, that’s illegal
“Hey Dad, who invented the haircut?”
“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”
Why did miss piggie break off their engagement?
She was afraid of kermitment
Boomer humor in a museum
No text found
that is not an anti-pattern, what are you talking about?
It’s funny because it’s accurate…but also sad because it’s accurate.
Nights like this..
I finally found one!
My friend lost his job at the dairy farm because of his erratic behaviour.
He was a danger to himself and udders.
Nobody does a billion dollars of work
A.I. generated meme about quantum mechanics and quantum computers
A brother asks his sister to marry him…
She replies, "if you incest".