The teacher teaches me about diffusion ten minutes later
Teacher: Oh my lord why are you sitting on the text books Me: I’m learning by diffusion
Doctor : “ How many times have you watched Mary Poppins?” Me: “About 50, Why?”…
Doctor: “I’m afraid you’ve got an umdiddleyumdiddleyumdiddley eye”
What happens after you eat aluminum?
You sheet metal
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped…
"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse. "That's amazing!!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the hell are you doing that?!" The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick!?"
There once was a Native American who had only one testicle…
There once was a Native American who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, Then he made love to her all day, Made love to her all night, Made love to her all the next day, Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! Why ??? . . . . . . . . You can't kill Two Birds With OneStone!!!
Why do keyboard never sleep?
It's because they have two Shifts.
Space heaters are the best house-warming gifts.
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To whoever stole my copy of microsoft office.
I will find you. YOU HAVE MY WORD!
I watched my first porno film last week….
I looked so much younger then.
I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.
I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours
They called it a day
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner…
…you become a vacuum cleaner. And furthermore, true house cleaners aren't just born, they're maid.
Hindus are so chill
i’ve never had beef with any of them
What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad.
Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular
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Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?
Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.
At breakfast, a husband says to his wife, “I want to try doggy tonight.”
Surprisingly enough, the wife agrees. So that night, both quite excited, the husband cooks his wife a lovely dinner. After enjoying the meal they head upstairs and get into bed. The husband leans over to his wife, kisses her on the cheek and says, "night night sweet heart" The wife turns on her bedside lamp, confused, and says, "What? What about doggy?" The husband replies, "Honey, I can't believe you enjoyed it so much you want more. I'm sorry, but there's none left, I'll cook it again for you next week."
How do you put the pin back in a Grenade?
Quick answers please.
I told this girl I was talking to that I like to race cars, she asked me if I win often
I said no, the cars are much faster
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.
He came closer and asked what problem is. Old man: I’m looking for my son, but I’m gonna lose my hope. Jesus pitied the man and said, “let’s look for your son together.” After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily. Yes, said the old man. “He had nails driven on his hands and feet.” Jesus started and hugged the man, saying “FATHER!” The old man screamed happily, “PINOCCHIO!”
How To Fall Down The Stairs:
Step 1: Step 2: Step 5: Step 8: Step 14:
What does a robot do after sex
Nuts and bolts
In class we learned that last names were determined by what your ancestors did
So I always made sure I kept my distance from my teacher Mr Dickinson
*Knock knock* “who is there?”
"Doris" "Doris who?" "Doris locked, that's why im knocking."
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
My wife is leaving me because she’s fed up with me talking like a news anchor.
More on this story later…
A family are driving behind a garbage truck….
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the wind shield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect." To which her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
What do you call a red neck who works for ISIS?
Y’all Qaeda.
[NSFW] I went for a job interview to become a blacksmith yesterday. The interviewer asked me if I’d ever shoed a horse.
I said no, but I once told a donkey to fuck off.
What do you call a mute bodyguard?
A silent knight.