I want this to happen
An engineer dies and is sent to hell
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me.
Donald J. Trump has been impeached
Finally, something he's earned
My girlfriend left me because I stole her wheelchair…
but I knew she'd come crawling back.
You donât need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
The UK trialled switching to the dollar…
/r/Jokes/comments/f0k1ay/the_uk_tested_switching_to_the_dollar/
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do.
Poop jokes aren’t my favorite kind of jokes.
But they are a solid number two.
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm… that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says "woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
Why is the goalkeeper richer than all the other players
Heâs good at saving
At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"
Did you hear about the guy trapped inside of a giant cucumber at the bottom of the ocean?
He was really in a pickle.
My dad always said âFind a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry youâ
âShe knows how to make bad decisions and stick by themâ
Whatâs brown and not very heavy?
Light brown
Someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick!
..I had no idea anyone could stoop so low!
Iâm okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After a particularly nasty one, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this, so the following day, he walked in and said, âClass, did you hear about the shortage of whores in India?â all the women stood up and headed for the door. âWait, ladies!â cried the professor. âThe boat doesnât leave until tomorrow!â
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed Platypus.
What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do on his free time?
He stays up at night wondering if there really is a dog.
My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war.
He's a seasoned veteran.
My therapist told me that I find it impossible to vocalize my emotions.
Canât say that Iâm surprised.
A young Irish girl goes to confession…
…and says, âBless me Father, for I have sinned. The priest replies, âGo ahead, my child.â âWellâ, she says, âLast night I made love to me boyfriend… FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seeinâ the stars in my passion. And, I think I may have wailed like a banshee. More than once. And me legs was all wibbly wobbly, even the next morninâ. But, I know that makinâ love to me boyfriend before marriage is a sin, and Iâve come seekinâ absolution. The priest sits back, rubs his forehead, and looks at the young lass and says, âRight. What I need for you to do is go down to Mr. OâMalleyâs market and get four good sized lemons. Go home, cut them in half, and squeeze the juice into a nice tall glass and drink in down straight away.â The girl looks at the priest with a confused look and asks, â Will that absolve me of me sin, Father?â âNO, but itâll wipe the smile off yer face!â
While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didnât seem amused…
I guess it was the delivery!
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do.
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
I just bought a movie with 3.142 stars out of 5
It was a pi rated DVD
I couldn’t decide what to get my buddy for Christmas, so I got him a prostitute with an accounting degree.
It's the thot that counts.
What’s the difference between my husband and Gollum?
A ring actually means something to Gollum.
I opened a tub of soft margarine and it looked just like the face of Jesus!
I showed my Indian friend and he said "I can't believe it's not Buddha".
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda CivicâŠ
But I refused. If Iâm going to have sex, itâs going to be on my own Accord.
If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
I tried to join a secret religious society, but the requirements were very strict.
It was called Diffi cult.