i want to fucking murder you and your family you stupid fucking cunt debra
Iโm reading a book about anti-gravity.
Itโs impossible to put down!
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to a pub…
And its a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
[NSFW] I got a sweater for my birthday.
I wanted a squirter. Or a screamer. Or even a moaner. But no. A sweater.
My Buddhist friend was stopped by a Christian
They asked if she would consider following the word of Jesus Christ. She replied, โno thanks, but maybe next time around.โ
What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?
"You crossed the wrong guy."
The elevator to heaven has been broken for 8 hours.
Can God create a lift on which he can't wait?
Whatโs the fastest way for Harry Potter to get down the mountain?
Running, jk rowling
My first job was working at an orange juice factory
..but, I got canned because I couldnโt concentrate.
The urge to sing the lion sleeps to night is just
A whim away a whim away a whim away
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.
I'm sure that must have been a record.
Why was Pavlovโs hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
3 Little girls were walking along with their mother on the way home from the park
Girl 1 turned to her mother and said… Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily? Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head. The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question… Girl 2: Why is my name Rose? Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says… Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener.
What’s brown and swings from the belltower?
The lunch bag of Notre Dame
[OC] A man was riding on a bus.
The police pulled the bus over and ordered him to get down.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches
But then I realized it would be a waist of time
There will be a baby boom in 9 months and
In 2033, we will witness the rise of "Quaranteens"
You got any corny jokes?
I'm all ears
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
I took the rear view mirror out of my car
i haven't looked back since
What’s the difference between a politician and a serial killer?
The serial killer might listen if you plead with them
Friends are like snowflakes:
When you pee on them, they disappear
A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.
He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake. "Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said. So the father visited a ton of different bakeries and did research, but found the prices to be too high. My daughter is inviting all of her friends, and I'll look bad if I don't put together a good cake, he thought. Then, he stumbled upon a shop that opened once a year to provide free cake to its customers. How quaint, the father thought, but desperate, he walked inside to see if they could provide a cake for his daughter's birthday. He was met by a Buddhist monk chanting and lighting incense. "Hello," the father asked, "I would like to buy a cake." "Of course," the monk replied, "just draw a picture of the cake you would like on the notepad on the desk." The father thought this to be weird, but wanting to save as much money as possible, he gave him the address and told him to come in the backdoor, just in case the cake was bad. The day of the party arrived and the monk visited the house with the most extravagant cake the family had ever seen. All of the guests were in awe, and whispered to each other about how much the cake could have costed. The monk became the guest of honor and at the end of the party, the father approached the monk and asked, "Why do you do this for free? You should take money for your services!" The monk smiled and said, "I do this for free because a cake day is the best way to earn karma."
I finally watched Doctor Who.
It was about time.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: My dad is in the hospital 1 week later Teacher: Is your dad still in the hospital? Student: Yes, he is a doctor
What’s Gordon Ramsay’s favorite subreddit?
It's fucking r/aww