I want to try this
What does an annoying pepper do?
It get’s jalapeño face…
How do you make a pheromone?
Tell him to let your people go.
My friend said that all bartenders are boring, which was a bit cynical in my eyes.
I think they're intoxicating people.
People ask me why I’m so nervous around trees, and I always have the same answer
“They just seem really shady.”
A girl told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow
Found out she meant trout, not Skittles
[Warning]: 18++
19.
I threw my wife a bukakke party the other night…
Everybody came.. You should have seen her face
I don’t mind breakfast in bed
…but I prefer it in a bowl.
Met a homeless man with a sign that said “One Dollar for a Dirty Joke”
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: "All right sir, what's your name?" Me: "John." Homeless man: "So John, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?" Me: "Two?" Homeless man: "Right again, now look at that white cat walking around – how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: "I don't know. A lot?" Homeless man: "Well John, how do you know so much about black cock and so little about white pussy?"
What is the strongest cereal brand?
Shredded wheat.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses. oh how the stables have turned.
What is a wise, old priest’s favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar
Why are photographers so hesitant to get into a relationship?
They're interested in developing one, but can't stop focusing on all the negatives.
I’ve recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm currently working knights.
A colon can completely change a sentence.
Mary ate her friend's lunch. Mary ate her friend's colon.
My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war.
He's a seasoned veteran.
I’ve got 99 problems.
My math teacher is a bastard.
I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms
She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.
My nerdy friend just got a Ph.D. on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr.Awkward.
I suffer from really bad migraines.
Which is better than suffering from really good ones.
By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:
Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."
You know what they say about cliffhangers..
No text found
Why was the baby strawberry crying?
Because his mom and dad were in a jam
I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
Why must you act quickly during a flood?
Because it's an emergent sea.
Started a new job recently and my fiance asked me if there was a gym in my building…
I said, not sure I haven't met everyone yet. She was not amused.
I used to shave my scrotum with a straight razor.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.
I went to the eye doctor.
Eye doctor: Your results aren't good. Me: Can I see them? Eye doctor: Probably not.
I made this fake boomer comic to mock people/boomers looking down on digital art
https://ift.tt/2JrUKmh
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
It was horrible, nothing left but de Brie.
Justice is best served cold
Because if it was served warm, it would be just water
What’s a communists favorite part of math?
The distributive property.
Jesus at the pearly gates
St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?" "Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?" "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven." "Sounds easy enough. OK." So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?" The old man replied, "I was a carpenter." Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked. "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him." Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?" "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet." Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?" The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
