I wanted to be a footballer…
The coronavirus is a lot like a kinky sex life:
I don't mind having it, but I'm scared my parents have it too.
My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes.
I told her to lighten up.
Monday: Greg. Tuesday: Ian: Wednesday: Greg. Thursday: Ian. Friday: Greg
A GregOrIan calendar
My wife gets mad when I steal her kitchen utensils…
But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
This is my first year not going to Fiji because of Covid-19
Normally i don’t go because I’m poor
Once upon a time there lived a ravishing Queen with huge tits…
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this, and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
English puns make me feel numb
But math puns make me feel number
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
How do you grab the attention of a pervert?
An NSFW tag
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop anytime.
Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day
Husband: Well next time take the car then silly
I don’t get why everybody hates Hitler.
I mean, he killed the leader of the Nazi party for god sakes.
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him in the mainstream.
Recently got a second job as a bartender at a stripclub.
Ive never worked so hard before in my life.
My ex wife misses me.
But her aim keeps getting better.
What’s the difference between a toothbrush and an alligator?
If you don’t know, you better be careful next time you brush your teeth.
My wife hasn’t said a word to me in 6 days.
What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.
Banks need to get better at restocking these ATMs
This is now the fifth one that has insufficient funds.
I taught my daughter what bargain meant.
She said: "Thanks dad, that means a great deal."
My teacher asked me how I view lesbian relationships…
Apparently 1080p Full Screen HD wasn't the right answer.
Dad, how many types of boobs are there?
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, suprised, answers "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice and hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?", the son asks. "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." The daughter and wife are infuriated on hearing this. The daughter asks "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mom smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases too. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After 50, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" asks the daughter. "Yes, dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration."
I’m reading a horror story in Braille
Something bad is gonna happen, I can feel it
People treat me like a god
They ignore my existence unless they need something
I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day
It's still syncing
I asked my wife to dress as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
A wife shows her husband a picture and says, “The camera adds 10 pounds”…
The husband, bewildered, says, "Why would you eat a camera!?"
What’s the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period?
You get your palm red for free
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket
You can hide but you can't run
A man walks into a bar carrying a plastic bag
The Bartender asks, "What's in the bag?" The guy doesn't reply. Instead, reaches into the bag and pulls out a lamp, a tiny stool, a tiny piano, and a tiny man in a tuxedo that appears to only be a foot tall. The guy sets the piano down in front of the stool, and the tiny man sits on it and starts playing the piano. The bartender is amazed, and so he asks the guy, "Where the fuck did you get this?" The guy replies, "I asked this genie. You can ask for something if you want, but be careful, he don't hear very well." The bartender greedily snatches the lamp out of the guy's hands and says, "I want a million bucks!" All of a sudden, POOF, a million ducks appear in the bar. The bartender who is outraged asks, "What the hell? I asked for BUCKs, not DUCKs?!" The guy says, "I told you, he doesn't hear very well. Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"
Congratulations to everyone graduating. Sorry this is such a crappy time to be doing so!
https://ift.tt/3aWnEFZ
A teenage girl was at a catholic confession booth…
Verry embarrased, she admitted that she had gotten a bit too frisky with her boyfriend the night before. Now, the priest was relatively new to this position in the church, and didnt know how to correctly assign penance for her actions, so he told her he needed to pray for a minute to hear what God had to say. After a few minutes the girl was becoming incredibly nervous, assuming that this length of prayer was sure to warrant a heavy punishment. To help ease her racing mind, she poked her head out of the confession booth and waved one of the alter boys to come over. She then asked him, "How much does the Priest usually give for a blowjob?" To which the boy replied, "Usually five bucks and a snickers!"
