I wanted to be a monk…
But I never got the chants.
She worked knights.
The bear says: “I’d like a whiskey and……………………….coke please. Bartender says: “Why the big pause?” Bear replies: “I was born with them.” Edit: Thanks for the upvotes! I actually lived this joke right before posting while making dinner for my kids (changed the drink and location). Here’s how it happened: 2yo Child, While holding her bear: Um, daddy?Can I have…………………………..milk pwease? Me: Sure sweetie, but why the big pause?! Only I laughed…my ass off. Guess I’ll just, grin and bear all the repost comments.
Because Heinz's sight is always 20-20.
i'd have to change my name
When a cop pulls you over, he tells you a joke.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
He started counting but soon fell asleep.
I don’t think I can look at her in the same light ever again.
if you guessed "heaven nun" or "Angel nun" you are wrong. The answer is "nun of the above" !
58. Edit: I genuinely didn’t know this was a repost my dad told it to me and I thought it was worthy.
After a while, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey Dad, why can't we just use a sponge ?"
But it didn't hurt, because it was a soft drink!
In 1969, in the months leading up to the Moon landing, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. One day as they were training, the astronauts came across an old Native American. ‘What are you doing here?’ the old man asked. ‘We are here as a part of a research expedition that will very soon travel to explore the Moon!’ ‘The Moon?! Hmm… could you then do me a favor?’ ‘What do you want?’ ‘Well, the people of my tribe believe that holy spirits live on the Moon. I was wondering if you could pass an important message to them from my people.’ ‘What’s the message?’ The man uttered something in his tribal language, and then asked the astronauts to repeat it again and again until they had memorized it correctly. ‘What does it mean?’ asked the astronauts. ‘Oh, I cannot tell you. It’s a secret that only our tribe and the moon spirits are allowed to know.’ The astronauts were intrigued with the secret message, so when they returned to their base they searched and searched until they finally found one Native American who could speak old man's tribal language and translate the message. When they repeated the message they had memorized, the translator started to laugh his ass off. ‘Why are you laughing man, what does the message say?’ 'It says – Don’t believe a single word these people are telling you. They have come to steal your lands.’
I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.
They say he was defeated in battle
They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual
Was giving tours of various buildings at my university this morning, one of the rotations was our Nursing building. A mom asked “Is this Nursing school harder to get into than others?” Looking confused, I opened and closed the door a little bit before saying “Nah, the door’s not that heavy” Literally all the dads laughed while the moms and their children collectively groaned.
"Saved For Later"
Slogan: Guaranteed to last a lifetime
On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.
Because tea leaves.
I just had to share it with everyone
It’s all about raisin awareness
Those are the pie rates of the car I be in. (I married two old jokes together, I hope that’s ok)
The wife said: “Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that…”
And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow…"