I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
A pirate walks into bar and sits…
A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?" "Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night." "That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night." "Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!" "Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?" "Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."
I just found out cock fighting is done with chickens.
Months of training wasted.
What did the melon say when his girl asked him to run away and get married?
I love you honeydew, but I cantaloupe.
I only lasted a month at the calender factory.
They fired me after taking a day off
Sex is like a poorly explained joke.
I don't get it.
I am an overachiever.
Overdraft…overfed…overtired..
Principal: Sorry to call you in, but your son set the school on fire.
Parents: Arson? Principal: Yes, your son.
To be frank…
i'd have to change my name
I just got a new job at a prison library.
It has its prose and cons.
I told my wife she painted her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
I was really excited about the final season ~ Now I’m just sad 🤷♂️
I was really excited about the final season ~ Now I’m just sad 🤷♂️
I have to tell my girlfriend that I don’t like the fetish she’s into…
But first I need to get some shit off my chest.
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot.
The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap? "Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays the $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
Last weekend I went to see my gf’s soccer match and she did this awesome save…
…She's definitely a keeper! EDIT: This is the first joke I make up myself as a non-native speaker. I'm proud.
The roads were so rough, it damaged my laptop.
It was a hard drive.
Why do hippies drink herbal tea?
Because property is theft
How do you make pirate furious?
Remove the p
I took my new gun to the range to try it out, but somehow it won’t work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger
Then it hit me
Coronavirus has been copying the Black Death
Plaguearism
Interrupting Cow Adaptation
Knock-Knock "who's there?" Interrupting Snail. "Interrupting snail wh-" SNAIL.
What do you call a good swimming pun?
A stroke of genius
The best thing about Japanese porn is they censor it,
so I can watch it with my family.
My IT guy just asked, “How does a computer get drunk?”
It takes screen shots.
I finally have a girlfriend
Now I wish I could post it on an other subreddit
Little Johnny
One day in a school room: The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.” Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see The Grand Canyon and I was fascinated.” The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.” Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher, being a little hesitant on account of she had been burned by Little Johnny before, finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him. Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!” The teacher sat down and cried.
I don’t trust people who do acupuncture.
They’re all backstabbers
Why did an old man fall into a well?
Because he couldn't see that well
To the two criminals that stole my calendar:
I hope you both get six months.