I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won’t Understand.
Want to hear a joke about Sodium hypobromite?
NaBrO.
Guys I tried to think of a social distancing joke
but this is as close as I could get
Why do cows have hooves?
Because they lactose.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
Why isn’t there any COVID-19 cases in Antarctica?
Because they’re ice-o-lated.
The teacher asked, “Name three famous Poles!”
Tommy proudly answered, "North, South and Tad!"
My 9-yr old daughter just told me this one.
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window? It looks like rain, dear.
My daughter keeps complaining that I’m too nosy
Or at least that's what I read in her diary
As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
What happens when you give the sun a gun?
It becomes a shooting star.
The tailor at the tuxedo shop was constantly trying to measure me, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
Spiderman saves the day with help of a sad joke.
https://ift.tt/32dkF7K
Why did my dad go to prison?
Beats me.
I bought myself a snail to race other snails..
I took its shell off to see if it would go any faster. If anything it just made it more sluggish
A newlywed couple goes to the hospital to give birth to their baby.
When they arrive, the doctor says that he invented a machine to transfer part of the labor pain of the mother to the father of the baby. He then asks if they agree. The couple accepts gladly the procedure. The doctor puts the machine at 10% for starting, explaining that even the 10% it's probably more pain that the father could ever bear. But when the labor started, the husband was feeling okay and he asked the doctor to raise the level. The doctor raised the transfer to 20%. The husband was still feeling good. The former checked the blood pressure of the latter and he was surprised by how good he was reacting. At this point, both decided to raise the transfer up to 50%. The husband was STILL feeling good. Since the transfer of pain was really helping the wife, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The woman gave birth to a healthy child and virtually with no pain. She and her husband were really happy. When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.
I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.
She said, “You can’t do this to me!” I said, “I know… that’s why I’m doing it to her.”
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of COVID 19.
I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.
Most people think that T-Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms
But it's actually because they're dead
Halloween Party (NSFW)
A young lady was invited to a Halloween party, and upon arrival she notices a man wearing nothing but a glass jar on his penis… Intrigued, she approaches the man and asks what he's dressed as. "A fireman" he replies "Fireman? How so? You're only wearing a glass jar." She says "Exactly. Break the glass, pull the knob, and I'll come as fast as I can"
A Higgs-boson particle goes into a church.
The vicar says, "We don't want your sort in here!" The Higgs-boson particle says "But you can't have mass without me!"
What kind of conversation did the pirate have?
An ARRRgument with his wife
Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you ‘I’ll give you something to cry about!’
and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?
Why didn’t the redneck leave the yoga class when it was over?
On his way out he said "see you next week". The instructor responded "namaste" , and the redneck said "Oh. Then I'm-a-stayin too".
2, 4 and 6 tried to defeat 3, 5 and 7
But the odds were against them