I was a little sad this morning because my Korean friend died…
He was So Yung
A man takes his wife to get tested
Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor. The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’ The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?” The doctor calmly suggests, “I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don’t let her in.”
What’s the best reward for a knock knoc joke?
A no-bell price
You should send a picture of your ex to NASA.
Apparently they are desperate to get a photo of A hole that sucks all your time and energy.
What kind of bait cannot be used for fishing?
The Answer Will Shock You!
I slept with a blind woman the other night. It went pretty well, mostly.
Once the clothes came off she said to me "You have the biggest dick I have ever laid my hands on" I said, "Stop pulling my leg."
I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk…..
…..but I never got the chants.
A man’s fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked the monk replied "Religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
Neodymium doped Glass changes color depending on the wavelength of the light hitting it.
https://ift.tt/2NXvk2L
If I could shoot rockets out of my feet,
I would call them missile toes. Have a Merry Christmas and happy holidays!
Did you hear why the elevator repair guy was always so happy?
It’s because his job was so uplifting.
Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.
We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm it would be justwater
I’m trying to be a sociopath, but I realized I’m not great in manipulating people.
I’m more of a so-sopath.
Newlyweds are going at it in their apartment building
That is to say they are fucking hard. But the lady was very loud. So the next morning neighbour Jon tells the man: "Look Mike, I'm fine with the youngs having sex, but do you mind putting some tape over her mouth so the rest of us can get some sleep?" So Mike does. That night the young couple begins. After a while Mike calls out "This ok John?" "Yuuup! Fine!" After a while he calls again "This alright Johnny?" "Fiine, fine!" And a third time "This alright, pal?" "Mike! Take the ducktape off!" "What? Why?!" "The entire building thinks you're fucking me!!!"
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. NSFW
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, “What are you doing?” She answers, “I’m moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.” Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he’s going,he replies, “I’m coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year”.
I just found an origami porn channel
but it's paper view.
What fruit likes to go down slides?
Ki-Wheeee
I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
I was driving on the highway with my wife, and she said, “Hey, you missed a right!”
I said, “Thanks babe. You MRS. Right.”
My wife says she can usually tell when our baby is pooping because he’s laughing so much.
I guess he just has a self defecating sense of humor.
What do judges like to wear?
A law suit
Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for
He said “Genius”
a guy with a gun bursts into a bank and screams “a person’s regular occupation, profession, or trade. also known as a commercial enterprise.”
the old lady in front of him whispers to the teller, “I’d do whatever he asks. He means business.”
Went to the doctors the other day and said ‘ I’m having loads of trouble hearing people when they speak’
Doctor said ‘ right ok. Can you describe the symptoms?’ I said ‘yeah Marge has blue hair and homer is a fat bloke’
I bought a chicken to make sandwiches…
It doesn’t. It poops on my floor.
If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
“Dad, can you explain to me what entropy means?”
“Sure. Let me tell you, it isn’t what it used to be.”
I really hope this whole COVID-19 thing gets cleared up before tick season
Because then we’d have corona with Lyme
A Politician, Sexual Predator and Criminal walk into a bar
Bartender says "What can I get for you Mr. President?"
What do baby parabolas drink?
Quadratic Formula! Maybe this is more of a mom joke… Edit: this isn’t my joke. I thought this sub might enjoy it though
What do you call a psychic dwarf who has escaped from prison?
a small medium at large
