I was about to tell a joke about unemployment
but it needs some work
Lovely woman, useless surgeon…
When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.
When the punch line becomes apparent. My kids hate this one and I can't stop laughing at it…
I will find you, you have my word
I once lived a stone's throw away from a family that all died of mysterious head injuries.
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. “Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?” Moshe replied, “I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!”
I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money. She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the £300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she “could be under the same roof as him for his birthday”. I was mad when I heard that, but I thought about it for a minute …decided to give her the £300.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin told her to come get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from the Correctional Facility. It was my cousin crying, screaming & asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response…so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
Moses. He could control sea.
Tri-weekly. Try weekly. Try weakly.
A billiards table
A Chinese doctor can’t find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads “GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.”
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
I said, “Awesome. What type is it?” He said, “ Two thirty.”
I had grave concerns
I'd have 83 cents
My dad…what was his other eye called?
The surgeon walks in, takes a deep breath and says: “Okay, David. This is a simple operation.” The man says: “My name isn’t David.” The surgeon replies: “No, it’s my name.”
At first it’s boring, but later on, it’s riveting…
That my only greeting is from a microwave.
It was an ether/oar situation.
Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make
but with extra steps!
Because they’re good buoys
especially when I went for seconds
I was like “0mg”
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
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We must build taller schools