I was applying for Australian citizenship, the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
My deaf wife just told me that “we need to talk.”
That was not a good sign.
6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9. But why did 7 eat 9?
It heard you were supposed to have three squared meals a day.
Even robots need a vacation from time-to-time
When I was a young man in in Army Cadets, we had big ornamental robot that we called ‘old-iron-sides’ with a big brass bugle that would play all the calls to the troops. In the morning it would play ‘reveille’ to wake, ‘mess call’ for meals, ‘drill call’ to assemble in the square, etc. We all got so used to these queues that we relied to them to know what to do at each time of the day. Until one day iron robot was silent and everyone was disoriented, not knowing when to get up, go eat or start a drill. Finally, I went to ask my commanding officer why there were no calls. He said “He’s taking a vacation day”. So I guess it was the Ferrous Bugler's day off.
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass……… It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!
Why does Kylo Ren have no friends?
Because his whole life he's Ben Solo
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
Because I’m British I can say that I smoked a fag and it wouldn’t be offensive
Regardless, I'm told his family cried heaps at the funeral.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff
ba dum tss
Where do dead cows get buried?
Cattlecombs
What’s the difference between a fish, a piano, and a stick of glue?
You can’t tuna fish! “What about the glue?” I knew you’d get stuck on that!
I asked my North Korean friend, “what’s it like to live in North Korea?”
He responded, “can’t complain.”
The janitor lady just asked me to smoke some weed with her
I turned her down I don't like high maintenance women
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I just don’t understand why she feels that way.
My wife hasn’t said a word to me in 6 days.
What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are gross!”
I said, "People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."
If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee
Then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Twitch is changing its guidelines on its “body part” content
Twitch is changing its guidelines on its “body part” content
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
My brother works for my band, helping me fix and replace parts of my drums.
He re-cymbals me, too.
Soooo my 4 year old nephew just told me this. He’s a little nerd but it made me chuckle. Knock knock…
Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No idiot… Cows go moo!
What is the difference between Inlaws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are Wanted…
What do Mormons play instead of “Fuck, Marry, Kill”?
Marry, Marry, Marry
I went to the doctors wanting a brain transplant
They changed my mind
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it.
A sudden blowjob woke up young Carl…
He never slept on the train with his mouth open again… -Martin Mladenov
The U.S. Army is full of crybabies
That’s why we also call them the Infantry.
Two goldfish are sitting in a tank…
One goldfish looks at the other and says: "Hey man, how the hell do you drive this thing?"
Lightbulbs do not make good meals.
But they're good for a light snack.