I was at a local bar when a woman
at a table a few feet away from me sneezed and her glass eye came out and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and a beautiful smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me. A few moments pass by and she comes up to me and asks for my number and I looked around the room. Surely she must’ve been mistaken. I said “ who me?!!!?” She said “yes of course you. I don’t usually do this kind of thing but you just sort of caught my eye.”
Do you know what I said to the person who was chasing me?
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Why does no one know what happens after death?
It’s coffindential
What do you discover when you find bones on the moon?
The cow didn't make it.
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night
When behind him he hears: BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Walking faster, he looks back and makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him. BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTER FASTER BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, and slams it shut and locks it behind him. However, the casket crashes through the door, with the lid of the casket clacking Clapity-BUMP… Clapity-BUMP… Clapity-BUMP… on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs in the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him A man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the bottle of cough syrup at the casket and… The coffin stops.
So I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage….
I asked the zoo keeper why there was a baguette in a cage and he said it was bread in captivity!
2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error.
And now we have a virus.
The inventor of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral…
The Little Old Lady At Service (not mine)
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones?" "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight." she replied. "Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."
Why doesn’t the Lorax go to Vietnam?
Because the trees can speak for themselves
Me: Officer, are you actually crying while you’re writing me a speeding ticket?
Officer: It was a moving violation
Picked my dog up from getting fixed. This is how he looked. (He’s just fine today!)
https://ift.tt/3bSVqh1
People mostly get shocked when the find out that….
I'm a bad electrician.
An airplane was about to crash..
There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said “I am Stephen Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can’t afford to die.” So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, “I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don’t want me to die.” He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, “My son, I am old and don’t have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.” The little boy said, “That’s okay, Your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for you. America’s smartest President took my schoolbag.”
You should send a picture of your ex to NASA.
Apparently they are desperate to get a photo of A hole that sucks all your time and energy.
Argentina is kind of cold this time of year…
In fact, it’s borderline Chile.
What do you call a colour that doesn’t exist?
A pigment of your imagination
THE salesman story.
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota , but you're not on the farm anymore, son." The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?" The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65". The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition." The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.’
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
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After getting sick of my dad jokes, my wife locked me out of the house.
I texted her, “Oh pun the door!”
I tried to buy tornado insurance for my camp site, but the company refused.
They said, “If your tents get blown over, you won’t be covered.”
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
The (mis)information superhighway
The (mis)information superhighway
Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It's called making the little things count.
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, “Is this good for wasps?”
He said, “No, it kills them.”
If you pronounce “fuck off” backwards.
you say it in a British accent.
A genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Steve answered, “I wish I was rich!” And the genie said…
"What’s your second wish, Rich?"
For those with poor vision. The good news is that in less than 12 hours…
You’ll all be seeing 2020
A man ran into the bar and asked the bartender how tall is a penguin.
The bartender gives a rough estimate and say "about this tall I suppose." The man replied "Oh fuck I ran over a nun!"