I was at a restaurant with my wife when a waitress suddenly screamed, “Does anyone know CPR??”
I shouted, "Even better, I know the whole alphabet!"
Everyone laughed…
Well, everyone except this one guy.
Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.
They're pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED". The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in. The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog." "A doberman for a guide dog?" The waiter asks, skeptical. "Yes." The man replies. "Dobermans are very loyal. They're easy to train and protective too. They're born for the job." The waiter sighs and leads the man to a table. The second man, excited by this idea, throws on his sunglasses and walks in. The waiter tells him "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow dogs here." The man says "Oh, you don't understand. I'm blind and this is my guide dog." "A chihuahua for a guide dog?" The waiter asks. "A chihuahua?" The man asks. "They gave me a chihuahua?!"
What do you call a super soaker that shoots blood?
A plasma gun
A guy walks into a bar and orders a punch
The bartender says “Sir, if you wanna punch, you gotta get in line.” The guy looks around but there is no punch line
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together
I called two girls hipsters and got slapped.
Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".
Why do fish fail in school?
They are below the C level.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes…
What do you call a elephant dancing in a china shop?
Break dancing
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across. When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden. “Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole. Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers. “That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.” So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board. He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror. “Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?” Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
My 8yo son hit me with this one tonight before bed: “Why did the minnow cross the ocean?”
"To get to the other tide." I'm too young to be a grandfather!
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”. The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial arts
I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can’t even say black paint
You have to say Leroy, please paint that wall
Jesus and the disciples are at the Last Supper…
Jesus holds up a cup of wine and says, "This is my blood." Then he holds up a loaf of bread and says, "This is my body." Then he holds up some mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."
I got thrown out of math class today.
The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?" Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the expected answer…
How do you cure depression ?
Love it. Then it will leave you after a while for someone else.
White people are always annoyed that only black people can say the n word, but white people have some phrases only they can say too
Things like “Hi Dad!” and “Thanks for the warning, officer.”
And he orders a beer
A time traveler walks into a bar
My wife lost weight and started seeing ghosts…
Now she’s a medium.
I love telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
Made pot brownies with laxitives
Just for shits and giggles
How do you spot a blind man in a nudest colony?
It's not hard
My grandpa always used to say “as one door closes, another opens”.
A lovely man. A terrible cabinet maker.
What do you call an annoyed lobster?
A frustacean
I call my penis ‘The Truth’.
Sometimes it hurts and most women can't handle it.
Oh you millenials with your newfangled talk about this “curbside pickup” concept you “invented” because of Covid…
Well I tell ya, we garbage-men have been doing curbside pickup ever since the 30's. . . . And we didn't need any of your formal training for it neither, we just picked it up as we went along. . . . And get off my lawn!
![Everything is terrible. [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/Ku1LmY1-400x400.jpg)
Obama: “we continue to wait for a coherent national plan to navigate this pandemic”
https://ift.tt/2VzdwyN
I got some bed risers last night.
I'm moving up in this world..
![Arrays Start At [0]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/ys465mtjl8051-400x454.jpg)
Man I love my furniture
Me and my recliner go way back.
Friend: Your wife and daughter look like they could be twins!
Me: Well, they were separated at birth.
A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar
And that was just the first guy
Just found two lumps on my car battery
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
