I was at the library today when a black guy came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.
I replied, "Dude, it's 2019, you can use whatever printer you want."
A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. “I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts” he says.
"You dirty prick!" shouts the barmaid, "Get out before I fetch my husband!" The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off" comes the reply. "You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned! Get out!" she storms. Again the man apologies and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance" says the barmaid. "Now what do you want?" she asks as the man returns. "I want to turn you upside down, fill your cunt with Guinness, and then drink every last drop". The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. "What's up, Love?" he asks. "There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts and lick the sweat off" she says. "I'll kill him! Where is he?" storms the husband. "Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams. "Right, he's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat. "Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my cunt with Guinness and then drink it all…" she cries. The husband stops, puts down his bat and then returns to his armchair and switches the telly back on. "Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically. "Look love… I'm not messing with someone who can drink 12 pints of Guinness."
“Why are you wearing a surgical mask?” I asked the barista.
She said, "It's not a mask. It's a coughy filter."
Why is gambling illegal in China
Because they hate Tibet
My kid asked today where I learned to make ice-cream
I answered 'in sundae school', he laugh-snorted, my wife gave me the look we all know here.
We all know where the big apple is
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
A woman get cheated by on by her husband.
Devastated, she doesn’t know how to continue to live her life. She heard that there’s a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decide to go there to consult him. After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reach the top and meet the wise monk. “I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me with a young women. My life is stolen, and I’m left with nothing. I don’t know what to do”. The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: “Is the cookie delicious?” “Yes”- she answer. “Do you want another one?” “Sure, please”. The monk looked her in the eyes and said “Do you see the problem now?” The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks, “I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It’s never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that”. The monk shake his head “No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less.
Son: “Mom, Dad, I’m gay.”
Mom: Stares at Dad Dad: Clenches fist Mom: "Don't!" Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom: "…" Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
The American military should really be worried…
Russian technology is a decade ahead of them at the moment.
How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?
We wouldn’t know, the women always get to keep the house.
I’ve already heard like seven cancer puns today…
If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign
Fifty Shades of Gray has beat records for the fastest selling R rated movie
Well, first it tied the records up, then it beat them…
I am so bored being stuck at home that I decided to memorize six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
My wife told me to stop being a flamingo..
.. So i had to put my foot down
A dumb kid walks into an ice cream shop…
Kid: “I’ll have a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate please.” Clerk: “Sorry kid, we're out of chocolate.” Kid: “OK. Make it a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate.” Clerk: “No, no, you don't understand, it’s chocolate we're out of,” Kid: “Ah, OK. Then gimme a scoop of raspberry, and a scoop of chocolate.” Clerk: “Listen kid, can you spell the VAN in vanilla?” Kid: “Sure! V-A-N.” Clerk: “Can you spell the STRAW in strawberry?” Kid: “Sure! S-T-R-A-W! Clerk: “Can you spell the FUCK in chocolate?” Kid: “There is no FUCK in chocolate!” Clerk: “THAT’S what I’m trying to tell you.”
I’m still single on Star Wars Day…
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
I tried to re-marry my ex wife
But she figured out I was only after my money.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion.
My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line.
"G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?" I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well….ya know." The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!" I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"
My roommate claims i’m schizophrenic.
Jokes on him, I don’t have a roommate.
Everybody at our wedding cried
Even the cake was in tiers
How did the Himalayan man jump higher than mount Everest?
Well, that's easy. Mountains can't jump.
Me: *petting a dog* Aww! He probably smells my dog!
Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs. Me: sigh Yeah… my dog has a real problem.
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
He was given two consecutive sentences
Facebook is set to release its own webmail client…
…emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"
As a child i was molested by mimes
They did unspeakable things to me.
I saw an onion ring.
So I answered it.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a brain surgeon…
But apparently, I was too young…
What rock group has 4 guys who don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex
My girlfriend insists that it says 'dyslexia' but what does she know.
How does a Jewish person make tea?
Hebrews it
I used to have a fear of hurdles
But I got over it.
“Forget everything you learned in College”
"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here." "That works out because I never went to college." "Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here"
An alcoholic law student walks into a bar . . .
He regretted not passing the bar.
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…
They’ve left no tern unstoned…
4 Bedroom, “2” bathrooms – Perfect New Home for a Systems Admin
I am not poking fun at anyone for being lower income, you can tell by the picture it’s a nice home. But in my search for a home I found this house and their master “bathroom” really sold me.https://imgur.com/j1345OnPlease post all potty IT jokes
How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Hand him a used tampon and ask which period it’s from.
If there’s an emergency at your Game of Thrones viewing party
You should go to Daenerys exit.
For years, my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn’t help me at all.
Girls With Big Tits.
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a beautiful girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a beautiful girlfriend with big tits.
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
The barkeep says, “Sorry, we don’t serve time-travelers here”
A time traveler walks into a bar.