I was attacked by 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me.
I went to the doctor to get a prescription for my alcoholism.
"What's the cost of this prescription?" I asked him. "£500," he said. I said, "Woah, and what are the side effects?" "Drowsiness, nausea, headaches.." he listed. "I'll decline," I said. "It seems cheaper just to get drunk."
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
How do you get a Redditor to click a post?
No text found
*sobs in compiler errors*
What room do ghosts avoid?
The living room
Pls send snacks
Both Sides you guys! both sides are the problem.
I have automated it, so now stop reposting this meme
How the tides have turned
I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.
pop pop pop pop pop pop pop Nev er Gon na Giv ve You Up, Nev er Gon na Let You Dow, n pop pop pop pop pop pop pop
Protesting draconian measures by the government…
Given the circumstances this is my birthday party this year
My son loves my Delorean
So I let him drive it from time to time
Take the challenge nerds
Here’s to another lousy decade
Shout out to misophonia.
It was 11 years ago today.
My buddy James came running into the room, tears streaming down his face, and shouting, “It’s a boy! It’s a boy!” Needless to say, we never went back to Thailand.
A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again. Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”
New Year’s Resolution
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
Judge: “First offender?” Lady: “No first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
I can almost hear the trumpets
Unit of electrical resistance… Unit of electrical resistance…
Male Democrat Bad – part 2
A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?' She replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?' 'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded. The cop stammered, 'A what?………… 'A Rectum Stretcher!' 'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet' 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked. 'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge…
Trump be wanting that bbc
Women love a man brimming with confidence.
Because without that, what else is there to destroy?
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
Do locomotive engineers ever actually do their job?
Or are they always just training?
I’m the Satan of Python
When you don’t know the full capabilities of the libraries you’re using
Cowards of a feather…
My wife was mad at me because she said I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right
“It ships with Linux”
I put in a advanced red stop button if it takes over the world!
I can feel the internet sarcasm. Thanks reddit.
Trying to write some clean jokes about bowling balls
but they keep ending up in the gutter.
Calm down Nellie
TIL Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween
I guess they don't appreciate strangers knocking on their doors
I’m sure Joe Biden will flip those red states
I like my women like I like my coffee
Very strong, and given proper credit for their contributions in both the home and the workplace.
A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island…
They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was… At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him… after all, there wasnt anybody else in the island… He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier… it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this… One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her succesfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life. But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed… "Whats wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing…" the guy would say… She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasnt asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him… "Really?, youll do anything id like?" "yes" she said "anything!" "ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore" "ok…" "now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat" "wha… ok, id say id do anything" she said lovingly. "ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it" she was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tuck her hair under the hat. "Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache" "ok… if this is what you want…" she muttered. "now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach ill catch up to you in a bit" he said a bit excited… She started walking… wondering… doubting herself… just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasnt her, maybe it was h… suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you wont believe who ive been fucking for the past 6 months!"
I for one…
Love Roman numerals
To be or not to be…
is technically, not a question
That’s a good point
Shit like this makes me wanna build my own youtube
Trying to find information for African Snails and
Not explicit but it has the art style
A truck carrying toupees crashed on the highway, spilling everything.
Police are combing the area.
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
But they’re having a really hard time putting their case together…
He has a point
People are offended by the smallest things these days
So please keep your dick in your pants
I always knock on the front door of my fridge …
Just in case there is a salad dressing . This was horrible lol
How does the moon cut his hair.
I’ve recently been asking people what LGBTQ means
No ones been able to give me a straight answer yet
My friend just had an orgasm after she started thinking reasonably…
She came to her senses!
Was walking down the street yesterday, seen an ad in the shop window. “T.V FOR SALE, €1, VOLUME STUCK ON FULL”
I said, can't turn that down.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
Flerovium: am i a joke to you ( i hope its not done before)
Well yes, but actually no
A mom decides to clean her sons room.
Under his bed she finds a large collection of BDSM porn. Disturbed and not sure what to do she goes to her husband. "What should we do about this?" she asks. He replied, "Well we sure as hell can't spank him!"
A woman was angry because…
Her husband was coming home late again, so she leave a note saying “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.” Then she hides underneath the bed so she can watch his reaction. Soon the husband comes home. She hears him in the kitchen before the comes into the bedroom. She sees him walk up to the dress and pick up the note. He stops for a minute. Grabs a pen, writes something down on the note. He picks up the phone and calls someone saying “She’s finally gone. Yeah I know, about bloody time. I’m coming to see you. Put on that sexy French nightie I like. I love you and I cannot wait to see you. We’ll do all the naughty things you like.” He hung up the phone, grabs his keys, and walks out the door. She hears the car drive off as she’s holding back tears and comes out from underneath the bed. She’s seething with rage and grabs the note to see what he wrote: “I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in 5 mins.”
The creator of winrar is arrested
His trial is expected to last forever
What is the best place to train your legs?
A quick lesson for the American xenophobes