I was beaten up by a busty women in an elevator.
I was staring at her boobs when she said “would you please press one?”
So I did.
I’m worried my young daughter might have a future in crime. Today, she found a tree branch on the ground…
She immediately raised it above her head and said, “This is a stick up!” (Credit to my 2.5 year old- inspired by true events)
What do you call a zombie who stir fries?
Dead Man Wokking
I mean, to be frank
I'd have to change my name
Why did the can-crusher man quit his job?
because it was soda-pressing
3 unwritten rules of life: 1. 2. 3.
1. 2. 3.
The man who created autocorrect has died.
Restaurant in peace.
A Polish man moves to America and marries an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him – "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?" POLE: "JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms." LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?" POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," he responded. LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?" POLE: "No," he replied, "we have a two-car carport, and have never really needed one." LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?" POLE: "All my relations are in Poland ." LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." LAWYER: "No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?" POLE: "NO, I'm always up before her." LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?" POLE: "NO, she white." LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?" POLE: "She going to kill me." LAWYER: "What makes you think that?" POLE: "I got proof." LAWYER: "What kind of proof?" POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read — it says, 'Polish Remover.'"
What do you call a pile of cats?
A Meowntain
I love dry erase boards.
They're remarkable.
A blind guy walks into a bar…
…and a table…and a chair…
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says “Hey.”
The horse says "Sure."
I closed Reddit, locked my phone, and stood up.
I said to myself, “I’m done with this shit.”
Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.
There's a lot to do in Chicago.
My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.
They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
"Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't," I said.
Whstd red…
Whats red and smells like blue paint? Red paint
If your cable stops working, it could be a bad ohm-N.
Sorry for the terrible pun, I just couldn't resist.
Why couldn’t Peter Pan ever be a comedian?
Because his jokes Neverland 😀
Me: *wears camouflage*
Every Dad: Woah didn’t see ya there
Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?
To see the battle.
What’s a pirate’s favourite letter?
You'd think it would be "R" or "C", but it's actually "P", because without it, he'd be irate.
Two recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight." Other recruit says "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say a band on ship."
Why can’t the chameleon change colors?
Because he has an ereptile dysfunction.
Our wedding was so beautiful…
even the cake was in tiers.
My Wife wore a “Vaccines cause autism” shirt
She was insulted, punched and spit on Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!
My wife is a body builder
She's pregnant
Once I was a male trapped in a female body..
Then I was born.
What do you call it when Batman skips out on church?
Christian Bale.
Hi Reddit! My name is Joseph, and I am the son of Stephen King. AMA!
I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and no one raises an eyebrow.