I was blessed with a 9 inch penis.
That priest is in prison now.
These fireworks are so annoying
It's all I've heard all year
My penis is so large…
…when I lay it across the keyboard it stretches all the way from A to Z!
I like using self-deprecating humor.
I'm just not very good at it.
Why did the man fall in the well?
He couldn’t see that well
It was easy to stop girls from eating Tide Pods.
It was harder to deter gents.
I’m not very good at making memes but this opportunity couldn’t be passed up. Ugh
https://ift.tt/31nixtU
A friend of mine claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his pet dog will retrieve it.
I think that's a bit far fetched.
I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”
Thankfully it was just a virus.
My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We’ve been married nine years today.
A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall. He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic. The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?" The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."
What did the copper say to the scientist who was going back home
Cu Tips of to my classmate for telling me this
What kind of cell phone did the pirate have?
An AyyyyePhone
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last long for fat people
Arguing with my wife is like reading a software license agreement
In the end, I ignore it all and click "I agree".
I used to work at a calendar factory
But I got fired for taking a couple of days off.
Why are gay people bad at math?
Because they can't multiply.
A Man Driving Down The Street Sees a Penguin
Apologies in advanced for spelling and grammar as I’m on my phone. A man is driving down the street and sees a penguin on the side of the road. Curious he decides to pull over and pick it up. About that time a local police officer sees the two of them and decides to pull behind him as he’s loading the penguin up. “Just what do you think you’re doing with that penguin?” The officer demands “I haven’t a clue what to do with him I just saw him on the side of the road and figured I’d pick him up” The man replied “Well I suggest you take him straight to the zoo!” The officer suggested. So the man agrees and takes off heading toward the zoo. The next day the officer is at his post when he sees the same guy in the same car driving by with the same penguin. He immediately hits the flashers and pulls the man over. “Hey pal I thought I made it clear yesterday to take this penguin straight to the zoo!” The officer stated “Yeah we did that yesterday, today I’m taking him to the ball game”
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
A teenage girl was getting frisky with her boyfriend…
At her parent's house. Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them. "Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "…I'm sorry" The dad being, a dad, replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!" He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you *fucking* sorry?"
I told my dad I want to see Spider-Man: Far From Home
He said, "But son, it's the same film if you watch it here."
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.
While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she sensually asked him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…that was me."
A mom was cleaning her twelve-year-old son’s bedroom.
Under the bed she found some serious bondage gear and other fetish material. Horrified, she asks the dad what should they do with him. Dad:"Well I'm no expert but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
Bear with me
How do I get rid of it?
“No one under FBI investigation should be able to run for president!” – Trump, 2016
https://ift.tt/38wtaz4
What car do lawyers love?
Subarus.
I’m developing a phobia for German sausages.
I fear the wurst.
My son just threw a milk carton at me
How dairy
A man is walking in the woods when he finds a suitcase.
He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes. So he calles emergency services and says "I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?" "Well," the operator said, "Are they moving?" "I don't know," he said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
What did the tectonic plate say when it bumped into another tectonic plate?
Sorry, that's my fault.
How heavy is a Jew
Chances are he Israelite
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse
I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water. I know he means well.
What do Lawyers wear?
Law Suits