I was bored so I dug three holes in my backyard.
My wife came home and said "Well, well, well…"
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it
We had some drinks, cool guy, says he wants to be a web-developer
I once swallowed a whole dictionary.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
I told my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper…
She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up
So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day. The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong. The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb. āPardon me, sir,ā the mailman says, ābut you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, itās only going to end up back at your home in a few days.ā āAh, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so againā replies the Buddhist monk. āBut sir,ā says mailman, āyou will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.ā āBut that is my intention, dear man,ā replies the Buddhist monk. āYou see, reposting is the best way to get karma.ā
Soo weāre going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? Whatās happening there?
Itās open Mike night!
Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shellā¦
I have a son whoās on the spectrum. Itās quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us because it meant heād get really excited about going outside to the beach which we figured was healthier than staying inside all the time. Heād always have a shell with him, or in his pocket. Usually he doesnāt want to talk much, but if you opened the conversation to it, heād sit there rattling off facts about mollusks for hours. This was shaping up to be a long term passion, so for his 15thĀ birthday I went out and bought him a giant conch shell. He absolutely loved it. The texture, holding it to his ear etc. It was too big to carry around with him all the time, but he kept it by his bed. Fast forward three years, this is where things get weird. About a month ago I was cleaning his room and picked up the conch to dust it off, something Iāve never actually done before. I was immediately hit by a terrible smell ā I donāt want to get too into the gross details but Iām a dude, a once 18 year old dude, so I know what happens when you use something to masturbate and donāt clean it. Iām sure we all know what that smells like even after a week. It was pretty clear he had been using this shell as a kind of Strombidae fleshlight for a long, long time without cleaning it. Iām not going to share too much about what happened when this all came to light, but we tried taking it away and my god youād think we just took his whole world. We decided to give the shell back, but worried this reflected a deeper issue my partner and I decided to get some professional help. So itās been about a month of him seeing a behavioural therapist, and she recently asked me about his progress at home. I told her itās been incredibly promising so far. Heās really starting to come out of his shell.
Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth?
Itās pasteurized before you even see it.
Why don’t Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
I just found out how to burn 2000 calories
I left my brownies in the oven too long
I thought I dipped my tortilla chip into a bowl of cheese sauce, but it turned out to be honey mustard.
It was a queso mistaken identity.
i have a hicky from my date with a wizard last night
she was a neck-romancer
My friend is spreading rumours about me being schizophrenic.
Well, three can play that game!
Why did the biology teacher break up with the physics teacher?
They had no chemistry š„ŗ
Did my girlfriend find me sexually unsatisfying?
A small part of me says yes.
You could be my ‘let sweety;’ but after I engaged You, You were my ‘const sweety;’ :) <3
https://ift.tt/359FZgf
My heart sank as I came home from work and saw the plumber’s van parked in our drive
Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Bartender asks him what’s with the steering wheel? He replies…
"Arghhh, I don't know but it's been drivin' me nuts all day"
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
Here’s a joke about my browser history:
[deleted]
I have been saying “mucho” more often while talking to my hispanic friends
It means a lot to them
My friend told me a coronavirus jokeā¦
ā¦but I still havenāt gotten it.
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her New Year’s resolution was.
She said "Fuck you." So I'm pretty excited for 2020.
My name is ______
But you can call me anytime
Steve Jobs would’ve made a better president than Donald Trump
But that's comparing apples to oranges
A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
My 13yo has had enough. I disagree.
https://imgur.com/a/b4uxwBM
