I was changing a light bulb the other day. Then I crossed the street and walked into a bar.
It was then I realized my life was a joke.
Programmer good, users bad
Tbh they’re not wrong
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
A beautiful blond woman was driving down a curvy back country road in her pink Cadillac.
As she comes around a corner, she sees an extremely large rabbit lying dead in the middle of the road. It looked to be about three feet tall. The rabbit had a blue and pink vest on. On the ground next to the bunny was a large wicker basket, and strewn about the road was an abundance of candy, small simple toys, and colorful eggs. She exited her Cadillac to take a closer look. A moment later an older man driving a red pickup truck pulled up behind her Cadillac. He was wearing overalls and muddied work boots, and had the look of a farmer. He noticed the woman's car had stickers on it for a famous cosmetics company, and true to that profession, her hair and makeup were exquisitely done. He walked up next to her to see what the issue was, took in the scene, and started sputtering, jaw agape. "Is that… is that… that can't be…" The woman's eyes narrowed, and her face set with a look of determination . She went to the back of her car, opened the trunk, and then walked up to the dead rabbit carrying an aerosol can. She liberally doused the bunny with the contents of the can, then hesitantly stepped back. After a few moments, the bunny leapt to its feet. It quickly gathered all the candy, eggs, and toys into its basket. It then hopped about ten feet down the road, turned, and waived. It then hopped another ten feet, turned, and waived. And again, and again, until after several minutes it had disappeared behind a hill. The farmer, having watched it all, turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, just exactly what was in that can?" The woman just silently handed the can to him. He took it and read the label. "Hair Spray. Brings new life to hair. Adds permanent wave."
These posts showed up one after the other..poor New Zealand
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell someone they're vegan.
Physics is full of problems
And chemistry is full of solutions
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
Covid pros and cons
New possibilities have opened up.
Ha. Ha. Ha.
Meals of the day
It’s getting chilly!
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"
My girlfriend doesn’t like to argue about Indian food.
She's pretty naan confrontational.
This is Greta Thunberg’s favorite subreddit.
She's very appreciative of our commitment to recycling jokes.
I can relate.!
DO WE HAVE A FLAVOR CALLED “CUP OF COFFEE”?
If a person overdoeses on Viagra
Do they die hard?
So many idiots
Fiona Hill single handily dismantles Republican Conspiracies
This will probably get deleted because it’s not a clean joke, but I wanted to say thanks.
Two weeks ago a dear friend went into the hospital on bed rest with preeclampsia in hopes of keeping her baby in utero a little longer. To keep her cheered, I visited r/cleanjokes every day and sent her jokes throughout the day. She had her little preemie today … only 3 pounds but healthy. My friend told me she really looked forward to the jokes … and I found all of them here. So thank you to all of you who helped keep her cheered while she gave her precious baby more time.
I invented a new word
How do you call a pesron, that doesn’t read words right?
You. You read ''Person'' wrong.
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
When my therapist ask me how I’m doing
Found in an old phone computer file, I remember why I kept it!🇨🇦
Implementing multiple authentication strategies.
I’ve been fired from work for putting in too many shifts
Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think
Most Starred Programming Languages on GitHub (2014-2020)
I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.
Apparently that’s not how you grade exams.
I recently poured concrete for the foundation of a house.
The plot thickens.
Science meme for you all
The long-tongued desert cow
So a man was lost, wandering alone in an inhospatible desert. He wandered for what seemed like days, and was by this point very thirsty and quite hungry. As if in answer to his cries for help, he sees in the distance a small tent with a long rope leading up into the air, and another small tent floating there very high above it. Surely, this second tent in the air must be a mirage, but the first one on the ground seems real enough. The man staggers up to the tent, trying not to think too hard about the second tent up in the air, or the odd pink rope that he can plainly see extending down into a small hole in the ground. When he gets close enough, he can see a withered old couple sitting next to a withered old cow with its face buried in the sand and rocks. The old couple, surprised to see a stranger this far out in the desert, hurry to help the man into the shade of the tent. Let's give him a glass of whey, they say in unison. The man, quite sure now that this tent at least is not a mirage, feels a sudden revulsion at the thought of drinking a glass of whey. Please, says the man, do you have any water? Not much water in the desert, the old couple reply in unison. How do you live here with no water? the man asks. Well, you see, the couple explains, we have a long-tongued desert cow, she sticks her tongue way down underground to where there is water. We milk, her, but since she eats very little, the milk comes out as only whey. In response to this commentary, the cow flicks an ear and swats at an insect with her tail. I'm sorry, the man says, but I'm afraid I might throw up if I try to drink a glass of whey. I don't mean to snub your generosity. Don't you have anything else I could drink? Or is there a well nearby? The only other person for many miles is our neighbors in the tent floating above ours. The strange couple say in unison. The man looks up, finally acknowledging the tent floating in the air. You can see their long-tongued desert cow's tongue reaching down into that hole in the ground right there. They live off nothing but whey as well. Feeling delirious from exposure, the man asks one more time… So there's nothing else to drink? And the old couple reply… It's either our whey… or the high whey.
You can stand, sit, take a knee, it’s all good
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler…
There is a good chance you’ll fail your calculus exam if you are sitting between identical twins.
Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.
No thanks, I’m no longer hungry.
Who wouldn’t want that?
I have a perfect memory.
I honestly can’t remember a single time I’ve ever forgotten anything.
These fast food places need more signs
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd
Why are there no cats on Mars?
original title translated: let me help you over the road
How Web Browser works
These mf always ripping people off.
My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?” – We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.
let’s not start about JS
A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account.
The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000. The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day. The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.” The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?” The man says, “Here, I bet $50 you have a birthmark on your ass.” The banker says no, but the man wants proof. The banker pulls down his pants and shows him that there is no birthmark, but the man is still smiling. The banker asks why. The man says, “Because I bet each person in the building $50,000 that I could get you to pull down your pants.”
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
why did the can-crusher quit it’s job?
because it was soda-pressing!
I’ve asked so many people what the abbreviation LGBTQA+ stands for.
I never get a straight answer.
A picture is worth a thousand words.
And the song’s name would be Hello World…
Dad, what does doubting mean?
Son: Dad, what does doubting mean? Dad: Hmmm… I'll give you a practical example: who do you love more? Daddy or Mommy? Son: answers without hesitation Mommy Dad: ಠ_ಠ Then go ask her! She will explain! Don't bother me I aint got no time to waste!
Drug dealing bad?
Now that people are isolated and bored they make a lot more dad jokes
It's a true pundemic
It’s too much
A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.
As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved. As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a very skimpy bikini, is walking past. She sees him – a small, limbless blob – out the corner of her eye. He gives her a smile and she smiles back. And then, she starts walking over to him! As she approaches he thinks to himself – “maybe this is it!” She gets nearer and nearer, her smile growing with each step, until she is right next to him. She leans down, gives him a big kiss on the cheek, and whispers in his ear: “Have you ever been fucked?” Excitedly, the man responds “no!” The woman replies “well you’re fucked now, mate. The tide’s coming in.”
How Long Is A Chinese Name
No, seriously, it is.