I was disappointed when my son got a job as a scarecrow
But he's outstanding in his field!
My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple
Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes
What do you call a mummy with a cold?
I don’t know, Sir Cough I guess
It snowed last night…
8:00 am: I made a snowman. 8:10 – A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman. 8:15 – So, I made a snow woman. 8:17 – My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere. 8:20 – The gay couple living nearby said it could have been two snow men instead. 8:22 – The transgender man..women…person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts. 8:25 – The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with. 8:28 – I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white. 8:31 – The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up . 8:40 – The Police arrived saying someone had been offended. 8:42 – The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role. 8:43 – The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. 8:45 – TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist. 9:00 – I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 9:10 – I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services. 9:29 – protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested. Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become all because of snowflakes.
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…
The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
Judge: I order you to pay $10,000
Mario: why? Judge: it's a fine Mario: [sadly] no itsa not
Are you tired of boiling water every time you make pasta?!
Just boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later!!
Why is deadpools house always cold?
Because he keeps breaking the fourth wall
My buddy just told me he needs major surgery: he’s having half his intestine removed.
(excuse my grammar that should be a semi-colon)
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
The boss caught an employee drinking at work.
He said: -"You can't drink while you're working!". The employee replied: -"But I'm not working". They both laughed a lot, and he got fired.
I am dad now
This just happened at the dinner table. My Dad was talking about how he got up very early for work. The conversation went like this: Dad: “Man, I woke up way too early this morning and it completely threw me out of sync.” Me: “Well, why were you sleeping in the sink?” My Mom rolled her eyes. I am Dad now.
A plane went down over the ocean, and three of the survivors end up stranded on a remote tropical island.
They don't get very far before a tribe of cannibals capture them and bring them back to their village as prisoners. One of the men says "Please don't eat us! We'll do anything!". The cannibal's chief decides to have a bit of fun with them and says "Oh? Well then, go into the forest and come back with 10 pieces of the same fruit." So the men break off and search for fruit. First one comes back with a 10 apples. The chief says "If you can shove those up your ass without making a sound, we wont eat you." He barely fits the one before he whimpers in pain so the cannibals eat him. Now the second guy makes it back with a 10 cherries. Chief says "Like I told the last guy, if you can shove those up your ass without a sound, you can live." Its going pretty well, and the man has only a few left when he suddenly starts laughing uncontrollably, so they eat him. Now the spirits of the two dead men meet in heaven, and the first says "Man you were so close! Why would you start laughing?!?" The second guy responds "Because I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples!"
Two chemists walk into a Bar
chemist 1: I’ll have some H2O chemist 2: I’ll have some H2O also chemist 2’s arch nemesis disguised as the bartender: [under breath] so close….
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl urinate?
Because they have been extinct for millions of years.
I broke two of my dads Queen records…
Now I want to break three.
I once thanked a French man to death…
I guess you could call it a merci killing!
Found this one in the local paper and translated it
So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100€ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up? Santa because the first two don't exist.
My son asked me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I laughed, “That’s Superman!”
He replied, “Thanks dad! I’ve been practicing a lot!"
URGENT!!!! Anybody knows how to put the ring back on a grenade?!
I need an answer like RIGHT NOW!!!
1,2,3,4 I declare a thumb war…
…5,6,7,8 I use this hand to masturbate.
I’ve been telling people about the benefits of dried grapes.
It's about raisin awareness.
Dear posters of r/Jokes, could you try to be a bit more original?
My friends are really tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again.
The Bristol Zoo Parking Attendant
Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees for cars $1.40, for buses $7. Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up; so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent. The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo’s own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee. The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll. Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy is a man who’d apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day — for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars … and no one even knows his name. Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/fake-parking-attendant/
I BATH IN THE TEARS OF MY ENEMIES!
Because I let them cry on my shoulder.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne
I was watching Jurassic park the other day…..
…. when I thought "not only does my son have a really stupid name, he´s also a terrible driver"
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
Today in sex ed our teacher asked what’s the difference between a male reproductive system and the female reproductive system.
Apparently there’s a vas deferens
After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoony images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled, thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
A German is trying to to make his way to Paris
At the border, the French customs agent asks him “Name?” “Hans Mueller.” “Place of residence?” “Munich.” “Occupation?” “No, just vacation this time.”