I was fired from my last job because they searched my desk and found coke
But who wants to work at Pepsi Co anyways
One boy tell the other: “There is an easy way to get what you want”
The other boy said, "How?" "Tell people you know their secret" The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!" The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10" The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!" The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15" The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!" The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"
What’s the best cheese to bait bear traps with
Cammom-bear! (sorry if ya heard this one already)
Three Logicians Walk Into a Bar
The Bartender asks, "would everybody like a drink?" The first logician says "I don't know." The second logician says "I don't know." The third logician says "Yes."
I accidentally bought too many art supplies
I'm having an excess stencil crisis.
I have a huge hemmorhoid, I was wondering if I should go to the doctor but
I decided to sit on it for a while
“Dad, was I adopted as a child?”
The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully: "We tried, but nobody would take you"
Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl
Then she noticed me so we went for a run.
Dont you hate it when people get ahead of themselves?
Edit:Wow thanks for the gold kind stranger!
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
They each got 6 months
Did you know Bill Burr has a brother that is a lumberjack?
His name is Tim
When does a bad joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well…?" She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."
When I became a teenager, my father gave me a 30 minute Power Point Presentation on the dangers of having unprotected sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne"
My therapist just told me that I have serious trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Guy at the bar is so wasted that he throws up on his shirt…
He looks down and says "Man, my wife is gonna be so pissed I puked on myself again" Guy next to him says "Do what I do, I put 10 dollars in my pocket and when my wife sees me, I tell her some asshole at the bar puked on my and gave me the 10 dollars to have it cleaned" The drunk guy thinks this is an awesome solution and proceeds to get home. His wife is waiting for him and starts yelling at him "You got drunk and puked on your shirt again, didn't you?" The guy says "No, what happened is that I was at the bar and this guy puked on me, but he put 10 dollars in my shirt pocket so I can have it cleaned" Wife reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out 2 $10 dollar bills and says "This is not 10 dollars, this is 20!" Guy says "Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too"
My buddy is really upset at losing a promotion at work to an attractive, older woman.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled MILF.”
Today I saw two blind people fighting…
I shouted "I'm supporting the one with the knife" they both ran away..
There was an attempt to praise Trump… and then the truth came in like a wrecking ball
https://ift.tt/2VTw39e
Cop pulls up next to two teens in a dark parking spot.
He is surprised to find they are sitting there, literally just reading. "Why are you reading? How old are you?" "I'm 19 officer." "And her?" "Oh, she'll be 18 in 20 minutes."
I heard this girl talking about how much she hates stalkers.
I nearly fell out of my tree.
What do you call a starving hippo in Budapest?
A hungry Hungary hippo
I just watched a program about beavers….
..It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Today I learnt that humans eat more bananas than monkeys
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday.
Apparently you are not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.