I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I guess I wasn’t putting in enough shifts
You can drop an ant in water to determine its sex
If the ant sinks – girl ant If the ant floats – boy ant
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance…
We’ll see about that…
One night, a viking named Rudolf the Red was looking out the window when he said, “it’s going to rain”
His wife asked, "how do you know?“ "Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear"
Why do ducks grow feathers?
To hide their butt quacks
I’ve been trying to come up with jokes about people who don’t exercise
But none of them work out
I tried to catch some fog
I mist
A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.
Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information. The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information. The English spy fared the same. After being tied and tortured for 20 minutes, he gave in and gave up all his information. But when they tried the same with the Italian, he refused to give up anything and stayed tied to the chair for 3 hours until the Russians gave up and threw him back in the cell. "How did you do that!" The other two were amazed at his endurance. "I wanted to give up all my information," replied the Italian. "But they tied my hands, so I couldn't talk."
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexia Association
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
Went and bought a sweater yesterday. The thing just kept picking up static electricity.
I went to return it and they gave me another one free of charge.
What’s the main use of leather in the world?
Holding cows together
In Avatar, Aang is 112 years old
Some call him "Boomer Aang"
Want to make your water bed more bouncy?
Use, spring water.
After I broke my arm, my buddy wrote down all of my homework assignments on my elbow cast.
It really classed up the joint.
A lamb, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff.
Ba dum tss
I ate a watch once…
It was so time consuming.
What do a hot potato and a thrown pig have in common?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
Someone just stole my mood ring.
I don't know how I feel about that. (Credit to 30 Rock. Thought it fit here)
My dog is really good at playing fetch
I think I’m going to promote him to branch manager
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
What did one French man say to the other French guy.
I don’t know. I don’t speak French.
So I was out at the museum with my daughter today and got the ultimate dad joke in. Employee asks kids “Does anyone know the difference between a Crocodile and an Alligator?”
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while? Daughter groaned, employee laughed, other dad's nodded approvingly.
When I die I want all the people I’ve ever worked with on group projects to lower me in the ground,
So they can let me down one last time.
I love how earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
TIL Mr. T’s grandmother was a pirate…
Her name was Mae T
“How many digits of pi do you know?” – “All of them…
I just always forget the order!”
As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way…
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me after all.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: "Efficient."
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
If I got $1 every time a woman said I was’t her type
I'd be her type.
The only Americans who wave Nazi flags are the ones who helped Nazis meet Satan
https://ift.tt/2v1GRY2
The wife is mad at me
My wife caught me peeing in the shower, and the people at Lowe's are still mad about it.
My dad died last year because I couldn’t remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion.
As he was dying he kept saying be positive, but it's been really hard without him.
So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: “I’ll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can’t, I’ll pay you $500!”
A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor. "Doctor I cant taste anything!" Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue. The lawyer quickly spits it out and says "UGH that's gasoline!" Doc gets his $100. Lawyer comes back the next day to try again, and claims he has lost his memory. Doc says "No problem, nurse bring me vial 43!" Lawyer says "But that's the gasoline!!". Doc happily takes his $100, and lawyer walks out quite frustrated. Finally on the third day the lawyer thinks he has the solution. Goes in and tells the Doc he has lost his sight. Doc ponders a second and finally let's out a sigh. He begrudgingly walks the lawyer out to the cash register and hands him five $1 bills. Lawyer says, "Hey wait that's only $5!" Doc smiles and says "That'll be $100."
Cop pulls up next to two teens in a dark parking spot.
He is surprised to find they are sitting there, literally just reading. "Why are you reading? How old are you?" "I'm 19 officer." "And her?" "Oh, she'll be 18 in 20 minutes."
How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called. 70s kids: Gramps called. 80s kids: Granny called. 90s kids: Grandmother called. Kids now: Boomerang.
A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, “Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution.”
A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution." Barely believing his eyes, he turns into an old truck stop – and sure enough – there's a big neon sign that says "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution." He knocks and a wizened old nun opens the door. "$50 bucks to get fucked in here," she says. The man forks over the money and runs inside. He goes down a long hallway and comes to another door. He knocks and a moderately attractive nun answers. "$100 to get fucked by the Sisters of Mercy, friend." He hands over the cash, runs through the door, down another hallway, and knocks on the door at the end. A stunningly beautiful nun opens the door and says, "$500, best fucking of your life, just through here." The man hands over the money, runs through the door and finds himself outside. The door slams shut behind him, and above the door he sees a sign. "You have just been fucked by the Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."