I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I guess I wasn’t putting in enough shifts
If i had $1 for every girl that didn’t find me attractive..
.. they would eventually find me attractive
Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the Ark hives
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85.
That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
My professor accused me of plagiarizing
His words, not mine.
One night, a Boston police officer knocked on a woman’s door.
"Ma'am", he said, removing his hat, "I'm here about your husband. We have bad and good news". "Please, give me the bad news first", the woman replies. The officer replied: "I'm sorry, but somone stabbed your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor." The woman began wailing, and crumpled to her knees. Utterly despondent she begged the cop: "Please, what could possibly be the good news?" He replied: "Well Ma'am, when we pulled him up he had 20 four-pound lobsters crawling on him. Would you like one?" Sobbing even louder, the woman shouted: "How DARE you! I've never been so insulted in my entire life!" The officer replied: "Well, if you change your mind, we're pulling him up again tomorrow morning."
I think im addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.
I'm going to quit cold turkey.
Who has two thumbs and loves Peter Pan?
Not Captain Hook.
A child asks his dad, what does a solar eclipse mean.
His dad replied, "no son".
What do you get when rubbing two oranges together
Pulp friction
What is Yoda’s last name?
Lay hee hoo
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him.
As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive”, but it’s hard without him.
Ladies, If your fella can’t appreciate a good fruit joke.
You need to let that mango.
How did Harry Potter get down the hill
By walking… JK rolling
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
My roommate says our house is haunted
I've been living here for 300 years and i havnt noticed shit.
What do you call a midget party?
…a little get-together.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in fifty-million has a chance at becoming a human being.
A farmer in a field had 198 sheep
But when he rounded them up he had 200
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
Hispanic attacks
What do you call a gay couch?
A homo sectional
psychologist girl and law boy
> A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?” > The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" > All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. > After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?” > The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!” > All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
I was having sex with my girlfriend, Diana, when my roommate, Jones, entered the room
Im indiana Jones, Get out
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, saying “this isn’t working anymore”
I open the fridge and it’s working fine WTF
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing
But this is as close as I could get
A man is walking through the woods…
when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible… are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"
Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.
Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.
I just lost an ice cube in the kitchen.
But I'm not worried, its just water under the fridge.
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.
While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.
What do you call a group of unvaccinated children?
A Plagueround
A man is on a stretcher, being prepped for surgery.
The surgeon walks in, takes a deep breath and says: “Okay, David. This is a simple operation.” The man says: “My name isn’t David.” The surgeon replies: “No, it’s my name.”
Unique Dildo!
A blonde walks into a porno shop and asks, "How much for the white dildo?" Salesman answers, "$35." Blonde: "How much for the black one?" Salesman: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." Blonde: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" Salesman: "$35." Black Woman: "How much for the white one?" Salesman: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." Black Woman: "Hmmm… I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before…" She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" Salesman: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." Blonde: "Hmmmmm…, how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" Salesman: "Well, that's a very special dildo… it'll cost you $165." Blonde: She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before," She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165."
Police are like a box of chocolates
They'll kill your dog
I saw a lizard with angry red skin. It then turned orange! Then it turned yellow. Then green. Then blue. Then indigo, until it finally became a relaxing shade of violet.
Calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer chameleon.
I didn’t understand why some people are into incest porn
then I remembered that taste is relative.
