I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
I wonder what my wife’s favourite US state is.
Maybe Alaska.
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb
Let's go ride bikes!
My IQ test result just came in and I’m really relieved…
Thank God it came back negative…
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
They’re really good at it.
Some people think the cost of wigs is too high
Personally, I think it’s a fair price toupee.
I’m giving up masturbating for an entire month.
Sorry, bad punctuation. I'm giving up. Masturbating for an entire month.
How do you make a pheromone?
Tell him to let your people go.
What do you call a police officer in bed?
An undercover cop.
Dont worry if a tree tries to bully you…
They're all Bark and no bite
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.” The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?” “We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works."
A bear goes to the bar and says “can I get one whiskey………………and one coke”
The bartender asked "why the big pause" The bear replies "I was born with them"
So today I asked my wife if she knew of any krutches I could borrow for the upcoming office party.
Her: what are you supposed to be dressed up as? Me: a walking dad joke. Her: …? Me: I'd be kind of lame.
A lady dies and goes to heaven and is standing in front of God…
" there is one thing I've always wanted to know" "Ok, ask away," God said. " Do vaccines cause autism?" she asked " The truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism", admitted god. The women shakes her head and says " They got to you too, this thing really goes high up".
I’ve compiled my bucket list.
I've compiled my bucket list. 4 drumsticks, 4 thighs, original recipe, 2 individual mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits.
What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?
Micro trans-action
Teachers said I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
What do you call a hen who counts her eggs?
A mathemachicken
I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory
I’ll beheading there shortly
Ducking Hilarious Dad Joke
How did the duck fail to rob a bank? It couldn't quack the safe!
It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers
Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?
An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things.
Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream." "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it." "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem – a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down." He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
Trump shouldn’t have said “shithole countries”
The correct term is turd-world countries.
Patient: I’m afraid of the vertical Axis.
Therapist: Why ? Patient: Yes!
69 fought 70
71
A man applies to a government job, and he gets told this:
The interviewer asked him if he was allergic to anything. He replies " Yes caffeine, I can't drink coffee," "OK," the interviewer says " Have you been in the military?" The man answers " Yes I was in Iraq for two years." The interviewer says " OK that will give you 5 points toward employment," then he asks " Are you disabled in any way?" The man says " Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer says " OK, you are a disabled veteran. That adds 5 more points to your employment. You're hired. Work is from 8am to 4pm and we expect you here at 10am. The man says " Wait, if work starts at 8am, why should I come in at 10?" The interviewer replies " Well, for the first two hours we just drink coffee and scratch our balls. No point in you coming for that"
I think I’m going to kill off the main character in my new book
I hope it will spice up this autobiography a little
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn’t beat cancer.